Is OCD My Identity? Why is it So Hard to Let it Go? Who Am I Without It?

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I am in a very interesting place right now. I feel completely empty and stuck – but for surprising reasons. I was pretty bad about a week ago. I had very little control and I had visible un-hide-able marks on my face and body. It felt really bad, and that ‘bad’ feeling really motivated me to do something to assist and support myself to get better.

‘Bad’ meaning – I didn’t like being around others, facing others at work. I didn’t want to be seen without makeup on, but I don’t like wearing makeup, so once I washed it off for the day I would just stay in my room to not be seen. This creates isolation and some friction in my home as others may become concerned about me and then I tend to react to that because I don’t want to talk about it when I am in it. So I close myself off, and life becomes somewhat unpleasant and it this situation causes me to want to do it more, and then it is a downward spiral. (Check out this video on isolating self within/as feeling undeserving: ‘I Don’t Deserve It’)

But not this time. This time I stepped up and supported myself – through writing, making small commitments, supporting myself through online resources, especially Desteni.org and Eqafe.com. I also started a 21 day commitment to do something OTHER than OCD, where I take one moment a day to do something beneficial for me, and I film it, like a vlog challenge. I have not posted any of the videos because I wanted to make sure it is for me only, not to please others and to not create an accountability to others. I want this challenge to be for me only to create a self-accountability.

My plan is to do another 21 day challenge publicly, but I am walking the point alone first. It is only day 6 and I have been experiencing success. My skin is healed and I have proven to myself as able to commit for longer than I have before. And now I have hit a wall. I have no visible marks, and it’s like, now I have no purpose to move and continue. Isn’t that interesting? I just feel empty and like there is no meaning.

One of the greatest things I was gifting to myself within this challenge has been that I felt I was creating a self-value. Each time I did something beneficial for me instead of OCD, it’s like, I felt this worth growing. But now that I have no visible marks, it is like I have nothing there, no identity, no reason to move me because I’m okay. I’m no longer ‘damaged’ and ‘healing myself’.

I have noticed this before though, it is part of a greater cycle where, whenever I am in this position, I have this experience, and I fall back in to OCD. It’s like self-sabotage, and I actually can feel myself slipping away. I have already short circuited the cycle on the upward part, wherein I come out of OCD and heal, but I have never hit the top and just kept going. This time, I would like it to be different. I would like to short circuit the programming and keep it up instead of falling back.

So, I see what is necessary here is to create something new from here. I need a goal, I need to understand the challenge I will face, and I need a reason. I will give these to myself now:

The goal is to manage OCD; to live in awareness of the triggers and assist and support myself to channel the energetic reactions to something other than OCD. Basically, the goal is to live a ‘normal’ life, where my time is spent on constructive things, where I build, grow and expand myself to be and become something greater than what I had previously thought possible.

The challenge will be pushing myself through the void. The void is the space left where OCD once was. It is the platform of the creation process. ‘Creation’ because it feels like there is nothing there already, there is nothing (or very little) familiar there to hang on to, and no blue print yet.

The motivation is that I will be creating self-worth, self-love, self-acceptance, and a new me that I want to be: all things I have always wanted. Completeness, self-discipline, to be and become the decision-making authority in my life. To live a life of minimal regrets.

So I have to ask myself: do I really want this, or is there still a part of me that wants OCD?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire OCD because it is all I know, it is comfortable, safe and familiar.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not know what to replace OCD with, and to feel instead like a big empty void and not know what to put there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that within this not-knowing, OCD will come back and settle back in to that place.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use my self-trust that I will push this and find what needs to go into that place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that without OCD life is cold and hard and unforgiving.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that OCD is that which is cold, hard and unforgiving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek the comfort of OCD.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that life will be so hard all the time and I will live in constant discomfort without OCD.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not knowing what to do because I can’t picture what life will be like without having OCD to constantly pre-occupy me.

When and as I want to slip back into OCD I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-commitment by reminding myself that I am more than reason enough to keep pushing, I remind myself that I have self-trust that I will not be hard on myself, and I will not accept and allow my life to be cold and uncompromising, because I have learned to take care of myself with gentleness and assertiveness together to be ale to direct myself through any storm.

I commit myself to support myself to create a self beyond OCD.

I commit myself to push myself to manage OCD even when it feels like I am in a void.

I commit myself to explore life without OCD.

I commit myself to create value and worth in my life to replace OCD.

Breaking Out of Isolation – Creating Something New (final)

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Here I am concluding the self-forgiveness on the point of living within and as isolation due to a fear of speaking up and reaching out to connect to others. Please read the first three parts of this process for context: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never develop a supportive relationship with myself,  showing myself my own worth through my actions and comportment towards myself, but instead I have neglected myself, abandoned myself for the energy of the mind, and only judged myself, being hard on myself and beating myself up.

When and as I see that I am going into an energy of self-sabotage (I’m not god enough/I can’t do this/I don’t have the energy/it’s not worth it/I’ll fail anyways) I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth by stopping my actions and thoughts in that moment, and instead doing something nice and supportive to/towards myself. I remind myself that, so long as I am alive, it is not too late to be good to myself, to support myself, and to show myself that I am Here for me.

I commit myself to diminish self-sabotage, and increase self-support in my life until  all that is left is the self-support as Who I Am as Life.

I commit myself to honour and cherish myself.

The above, and in the past three blogs, are all words on a screen, however, these words exist within me. Because I went inside and found what it is I want to live and express from now on, I described the experience in words, I brought the words forth and put them on to a screen, and I read them again. I read these words TO myself AS myself, thus I have spoken and listened. I have HEARD these words, and the process of writing out the point has had an effect on me. I have had an effect on me. I have influenced me. I have challenged myself to see, do and be differently. I have taken an active role in creating myself as Who and How I want to be.

The effect of the practical application of these words has been laying the foundations of self-worth, self-care, and self-support, as well as a more dynamic self-experience. Because I value myself, I have shared myself, I have put myself ‘out there’, and I am receiving different feedback, reactions and perspectives from others; things I would not have otherwise considered. Because I see myself as worthy, I am connecting to others, I’m expanding and growing, I’m learning, I’m finding solutions and pushing for them. Because I am supporting myself, I am allowing myself a voice and having an effect on my reality. This, to me, is pushing towards really living; and to answer the questions I asked at the beginning:

“Is being held back by fears worth not fully living? Am I prepared to look back on it all, and among all the ups and downs and experiences, feel an underlying theme of regret? Am I not brave enough to live as an equal to others and all that is Here? Will I accept and allow my own self-judgment lead me to live a life of unworthiness?”

The  answer is an abounding YES! It is ALL worth it, because I am worth it.