Doing it All Alone

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I have realized many times that I can’t fight this battle all by myself, yet time and time again I find myself falling back into the pattern of shutting myself off and isolating myself as a coping technique. A part of me justifies this by holding the idea or belief that I am protecting others from me, and that this is my problem or issue and it should only be a burden on my own shoulders. And this causes me to not reach out and to ask for help, assistance or support.

I want to see myself as strong and capable and able to handle myself in any situation, and I also developed the belief that no one can really help me or do anything for me that I can’t do for myself. But circumstances in my life have made me realize that sometimes you can’t do it all alone, and that sometimes you can be surprised with just how beneficial reaching out and sharing can be. Unfortunately I took the route of learning this the hard way, through consequence rather than having taken more preventative measures when I saw things were getting tough.

I had reached a breaking point with the anxiety that I had been building up and suppressing for quite a long time. I had been feeling very overwhelmed and powerless with certain situations in my life, with things not moving fast enough, or financial situations where I didn’t see an immediate solution. Also, with a course I had been taking, I was working 7 days a week, with many obligations and responsibilities in between. This caused an accumulation of reactions which increasingly became overwhelming.

During this time, whenever I found myself alone, instead of taking that time to support myself, I would lose control and fall into OCD behaviour. It’s that repeating program that takes over and mutes out that part of me that is fighting for healing, allowing instead for the destructive part of me do the coping and the processing. Finally, one day a severe migraine broke me physically, forcing me to stop for real, and this ended up giving me the chance to see that it was time to stop suppressing and putting up walls around me like a fortress, and I allowed myself to go through an emotional breakdown as well.

After such an episode I felt much better, but alone. I closed myself in my room and told myself I would tough it out and everything would be better tomorrow. But, before this all took place I had just listened to an interview about this exact topic, also titled “Doing it All Alone” (you can listen to it for free: https://eqafe.com/p/doing-it-all-alone). I decided to take the advice from the being that had been going through similar experiences, and I came out of my room and talked to my parents. I’ve been hiding OCD for so long that talking about it with people in my world is still a bit foreign and uncomfortable for me. But I was able to express myself and speak about the anxiety and the lack of control I feel with OCD. We talked about the circumstances surrounding me reaching my breaking point, and discussed some immediate steps I could take to take care of myself. We also discussed some long-term options which I will be taking steps toward exploring as well.

After talking for some time, my migraine dissipated completely. I felt like I had support around me, and my parents expressed being grateful about having a better understanding about what it is I am going through. This was not the outcome I had expected when I imagined or anticipated talking about it. In my mind I thought it would be hard and uncomfortable and make matters worse, but in reality, it felt life-saving. I know that this doesn’t mean that everything will be easy from here on out, this is obviously a process that needs to be walked from moment to moment. It will take time before I become more and more comfortable allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of others, and to learn to identify when I can handle things on my own, and when it is best to ask for support.

The moral of the story is that we cannot trust that things will turn out exactly the way we imagine them, especially not when we are in an emotional reaction or heightened anxiety. It is important to sometimes come out of one’s own mind and cross-reference things with others in order to get a clearer perspective on oneself and one’s own situation. Talking to others and seeking support can introduce new options, open up alternatives or solutions that one may not have thought of alone, especially not from the limited perspective created by anxiety.

Doing some things alone is cool, it can be very empowering and build confidence and strength of character, but so can asking for support. With practice, it has become easier to do this, and to correctly identify which path is more appropriate to take in the moment.

 

 

Diffusing the Inner Time Bomb: Practical Self-Corrections

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Within this blog I will be answering the questions I asked in my last blog: Diffusing the Inner Time Bomb. I had received much support from a recent video, after which I realized/was shown/began to understand that the compulsive skin-picking (CSP) is a focused, intensive, all-consuming activity/distraction/form of entertainment in which I lose myself so completely, that I am able to drown out and escape my un-directed internal experience, ie: the bad feelings inside that I want to escape from.

So, the obvious thing to do now would be to understand and direct the internal experience. This is really the basic principle of this entire process, but at the same time, it’s completely new, because I hadn’t looked at it in this way or from this angle before.

I have generally looked at this from internal experiences such as anxiety/anger/fear pushing into csp, but now I’m looking at it form a slightly different angle: that of csp taking me away from the ‘storm’ of internal energies, into a ‘safe harbour’ of silence and stillness.

But it is actually quite deceptive, because that silence and stillness is not innocent- it feeds the ‘storm’, it enables the storm, like a crocodile smile, it leads me in and then eats me alive. Recalling of course, ‘it’ is me, and not something separate from myself. It is not an outside force that I can blame or become angry at, because if I do, that blame and anger create the winds and waves of the internal storm. It just makes the entire situation worse.

So there is then this helplessness because I am so used to something outside of myself being the ‘problem’ or the ‘solution.’ But in this instance, nothing and no one is able to do anything for me, because it is my creation. It must be done by myself. I will take all the support I can get, but no one can do it for me.
Simplistically, this is a matter of slowing down and observing my internal environment in order to determine what feelings, emotions, thoughts, ideas, beliefs, etc, do I create within myself, that I would then seek to escape through picking? I would like to be able to label and understand these internal experiences, in order that I may direct these energies towards actual living. Rather than letting them take me over and then ‘exploding’ into an all-out full-on possession where I have lost control, and then do things like pick my skin for relief/release, or work mself up into and OCD cycle.

If I can understand and direct these energies, I can then look at how I created them, and walk the time-line back to their origin, in order that I may stop repeating this cycle, and script out a new way of living, where the behaviour is actually self-supportive.
This brings me back to my original question from my last blog entry:  “what am I generating within myself, and how exactly am I doing it?”
I understand that this answer will be multitudinous and multifaceted, so I’m just going to start somewhere.

Today, the primary internal experience that was driving me to want to escape myself and my experience was ‘impatience.’

I would feel it in waves passing over me, it felt unbearable, as if I were stuck in  one place with no ability to move myself. It also made me feel constantly rushed/rushing, with a stress or anxiousness always present.

Within this, I see that ‘I’ was not present, and all the tasks I participated in within this state, were not accomplished as well as they could have been. I was merely ‘going through the motions’, trying to get through them/get them done as quickly as possible.

Using the tool of self-forgiveness, I will look a little more closely at the experience of impatience in order to determine how/why I create it:

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become ‘impatient’ within myself, as myself, throughout my day.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘impatience’ to exist within and as me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest ‘impatience’ connected to events and tasks that I have to get through and accomplish throughout the day.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ‘impatient’ with myself when I think/believe/perceive that I am unable to move myself as quickly/easily/effortlessly as I am able to move myself in my mind.

 

I commit myself to be/become aware of every single part of the tasks at hand wherein every part/movement/step/progress is deliberate and known, so that every part/step/breath/progress/movement can be tested and improved, wherein I test all possibilities and keep only that which works well, and in this seemingly painfully slow process, I see/realize/understand: over time I would become more quick/efficient/effective.

 

When and as I see that I’m growing unbearably impatient within a task, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that if I stop feeling impatient, it’s not going to ruin everything, meaning, if I stop myself from being impatient by taking a breath and just slowing down: I will still get it done, and so I stop, I breathe, I let the wave pass, and I realize: I am still Here, and I continue the task within constantly bringing myself back to awareness, continuously bringing my focus back on to myself as who I am within doing the task.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plan out my day in my mind in such a way that it would be humanly impossible to accomplish everything, wherein I become overwhelmed and end up doing less than I am able, and then become ‘impatient’ with myself’

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ‘impatient’ with myself, instead of patiently directing myself to gently push myself throughout the day.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set up unrealistic expectations for myself which are daunting and cruel, instead of honouring myself with the patience that I will require to slowly learn how to change and live in a way that is self-supportive.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to get through tasks as fast as possible in order to ‘get everything done’ and ‘be done with it’ in an attempt to gain that elusive experience of ‘accomplishment’/’doneness’ at the end of the day, but because I have unrealistic standards, while at the same time: I pile on more and more tasks/chores/responsibilities, and so I become impatient while doing them, because I begin to see that I will never have time for it all.

 

I commit myself to replace the pursuit of the experience of accomplishment with the practice of patience before and during my participation in tasks.

I commit myself to define tasks before I begin them, giving myself a start and an end point that are clearly defined and do-able.

 

When and as I see that I am seeking to attain the experience of accomplishment by piling on more and more tasks/jobs/chores/responsibilities, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-patience by realizing and understanding that following my mind in the pursuit of experience in this way is only punishing myself, and then punishing myself further by then becoming impatient with myself, when that self that I am really punishing through my participation in this energy, is the part of me that has only ever supported me to be Here. Therefore, I direct myself to unconditional self-patience, within the commitment to self-honesty and change, wherein I balance self-patience with self-diligence

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by piling on more and more tasks/chores/jobs/responsibilities within the thought, idea, perception or belief that the more I do, the more accomplished I will feel, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that actual real accomplishment, comes from doing tasks/jobs/chores/responsibilities well, in presence and awareness wherein I am constantly open to learn how to do it better and more consistently through actual practice and application, proving it to myself over time, instead of thinking it up in one moment, and then becoming ‘impatient’ with myself for not already ‘being that’ or ‘being there’.

 

I commit myself to be/become, give/gift myself patience, through slowing down, being and becoming more realistic with the tasks I have in mind (and not getting all OCD about them with piling on more and more stuff to do).

 

When and as I see that I am becoming impatient with myself because of and due to the fact that I have created an un-do-able amount of things to do, and because I’m not flying through them like some superwoman that I am able to be in my mind, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness and back to breathe by reminding myself that there is time each day for me to practice and apply myself towards tasks, and I patiently push myself to look at the task that I am doing, and making sure, with absolute certainty and self-honesty, that I am doing it in a practical and efficient way.

 

When and as I see that I am growing impatient with myself while performing/doing/working at a task, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back Here within the realization that I am separating myself from myself by projecting myself into an imagined future, and then comparing my current position with the imagined position, and becoming impatient, when in reality, I am simply Here, able to one thing at a time, one breath at a time.