Ever since I realized I had OCD I have slowly been coming to grips with what it means to have a mental disorder. For a very long time I found myself victimizing myself as if I had this separate entity in my life, something separate from me that had been imposed on me, something I was powerless towards and imprisoned by. And most of the time this is what it feels like, so this perspective of my life has been very easy to justify and validate.
Recently, I have been learning more about what it means to be and become ‘self-responsible’, which means, seeing, realizing and understanding that I am responsible for everything in my life, my life is my own creation and as creator, I am also responsible for every aspect of it. Many people will fight an argue this is not so due to genetics, environment, upbringing and life experiences, and this is another perspective that is very easy to justify, validate and make real. But if you consider the consequences of this, you will see that this perspective directly takes one’s personal power away, and places it within outside sources, such as genetics, environment, upbringing and life experience.
In this way, self-responsibility can seem like a tough pill to swallow, I mean, it’s not my fault I was born with a genetic disorder and into an environment that was not equipped to teach me how to learn to cope with it, right? This is true; it is not my fault, it is no one’s fault, there is in fact: no one to blame. So, where this then leaves me is squarely in a position of responsibility, one where I have to step up and take back control if I want to live a life that is in any way worth living.
If I look back at how I have lived, I can see that my quality of life has been drastically reduced due to the effects of OCD. It effects everything I do. It is not just actively a part of my life when I am caught in a possessed state where I am acting out the compulsive behaviours. Upon consistent self-introspection, I have realized that all of me, my thought patterns, my reactions to things, the way I feel when I experience myself walking through my day, is in fact obsessive compulsive. However, what is also apparent, is that there is something else, something MORE to me then just this.
There has always been a part of me that is ‘suffering’ in a way. A part that can clearly see that this is not what life should be like. There is and has been a part in me that has stood up time and time again, fighting for me and my life, wanting more, not feeling satisfied, seeing potential, but not knowing how to change or get there. This is actually huge.
What this means is that, yes, I have OCD in this life. This is the hand I was dealt and it is my deal, a part of myself that I have to work through. But it is not all of me, it is not entirely Who I Am. There is something else and something more. I have committed myself to push to make this part of me that is ‘something more’ the biggest part. Until now, I have functioned with this disorder my entire life, but I have always fought and pushed myself because I had to. I had to make money to survive, so I had to have a job and work. I have to interact with others, so I have to have social relationships, function within a family, a relationship, groups at school or at work. I have forced myself to live for all these reasons, but have I ever really pushed, fought, and forced myself to live for ME?
This is so important, because there is a part in all of us that is worth fighting for, pushing for, living for. It is the most important starting point one can have for all decisions and life choices. It is literally the greatest purpose from which one can source the most personal power, authority and ability to do whatever is necessary to realize one’s personal potential.
This is where my process is moving: where I take steps, make moves in my life, and practice being the Living Change for ME. This means, really taking the time and effort to get to know me, learn to understand the intricacies of my mind and thinking, really commit to give myself that time and dedication, because really, who else is going to do that for me? Even if there were someone willing to take this on, the truth is that, no one can do this for me. This is something that only self can give to self, and this is the greatest gift we can give ourselves in this life.
The focus of this blog will continue to be my process of walking out of OCD and into Life for real, as the process I have walked so far has led me to the realization that self-responsibility truly is the key, but both the SELF annnnd the responsibility must be taken into consideration. If you also have this disorder, please walk this process with me.