Behind the Cries for Attention – Alternate Reality Creation

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In my last blog, I looked at a memory where I was a small child yearning and longing for my father to come to me. I wanted ‘attention’, but did not ask for it. When he did not come, I, in that moment, planted the seeds of behaviour that lasted a lifetime: self-isolation, loneliness, sadness, not feeling good enough and low-self worth eventually led to manipulation, blame, failed relationships and a lot of anger at myself.

These seeds took root over time. This strategy of using blanket statements such as ‘wanting attention’, but not knowing why, and then pushing it down and not understanding it, created the behaviours listed above over the decades that followed. As it turns out, had I understood what it was I was actually desiring in that moment, I could have simply taken the steps to start living it for myself. Instead, I separated myself from it and created a self-definition over time, and an entire alternate reality play-out that was completely unnecessary. In this new reality I created,  I was the disempowered victim that could never be good enough. So, we’ll have a look now at how this happened:

What was behind the desire for ‘attention’, and was it even ‘attention’ that was wanted?

Upon further investigation of the memory, I saw an interesting thing. It was not so much that I wanted my father’s attention at all. When I looked over at him all those years ago while he was working hard in the alleyway, as I played with my trucks in the gravel, I was actually noticing a very cool expression he was living. He was exactly as I said: working hard. There was intent and dedication to get the job done. What he was doing looked important, needed, he was contributing to something, doing something that needed to get done for the betterment of the house, the group. He had purpose.

I then looked down at my trucks. I had really been enjoying my imaginary world where my trucks were pushing the gravel and loading/unloading it, making little piles here and holes there. But After I looked at my father, then back at my trucks – my imaginary world fell apart. I was all of a sudden looking at silly plastic trucks in the dirt. It wasn’t real, there was no point. What I was doing wasn’t important, needed, useful. In fact, if I were to call him over I would be stopping him from his important work to come over to me… for what? I was taking it easy and contributing nothing. And so, in my mind I created a false dilemma: Either you are important, needed, of value, with purpose, intent and dedication to something, or you are not. I left no room for an in-between, a learning process.

The consequences of this over time is that I learned to separate myself from words and expressions that I observed in others. Instead of seeing and realizing that what I observe in others I can actually integrate into myself. I instead, over time, decided that I needed those others in my life to fulfill that for me.

What I did show though, in that moment, is what was important to me, what I want from and of myself in this life, which is to be important, needed, useful, contributory, I want to have purpose, to support the group, I want commitment, intent, focus, dedication, a strong work ethic, and I want to push myself.

Instead, over time, I made myself unimportant through withdrawing, instead of needed I became needy, I began to see myself as useless and a burden on others and with nothing to contribute, I had the desire to be supported and taken care of, not committing too much to any one thing, losing focus, missing dedication and not pushing myself to be better.

I arrived at a point in my life where living this way was showing me that I am in fact amounting to nothing, and the future looked bleak. I could see more and more that there is a major misalignment between what I want for myself and my life, and what I am living. Thankfully, around that time,  I found a group of people online that were taking on just such points.

I found Desteni, and I learned about self-forgiveness, among many other tools of self-support. I turned my life around and began to integrate all of these words and qualities I had been living the polarity of. I walked and am still walking a process with it, where I went to extremes and became like a machine, completely overdoing it and burning myself out! So now I take all the lessons from the first memory, to how it played out in my life, to my mis-aligned correction, to the present moment where I realize balance, discernment, self-understanding and many more words that continue to support me in my quest back to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the moment of looking at my father, in the act of ‘admiring’ the words he was living, immediately separate myself from these words, placing them outside of myself, unattainable, and diminish myself through judging myself as ‘not that’ (instead of ‘not that YET’).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, upon admiring my father’s work, judge myself as unimportant, unable, without worth, value, importance, with nothing to contribute and having no purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my own self-judgment through comparison to make excuses, validations and justifications for why I can not move myself to develop myself into and as the words I observed within and as my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this initial judgement, and the self-limiting beliefs that I connected to it in order to diminish and sabotage my efforts throughout my life the develop myself as these words, overlooking the work I have done and the skills and qualities that I have integrated, simply because underneath it all is still the initial self-judgment and self-definition that I have no real value, worth, importance, am not good enough, and so do not ‘experience’ myself as having made anything of myself, which is nothing but further self-manipulation to not take self-responsibility, because I can still cling to the backdoor that: “I just really can’t do it – look, despite all my efforts, I am still nothing”, as if I am saying a big “fuck you” to the universe and so to myself, a self-righteous “I told you so”, instead of an unconditional letting-go and forgiveness of all these things that I have defined myself by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to other people, to their skills and qualities, and to long for them, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in doing so, I am separating myself from these qualities and from being able to develop these qualities into and as myself through a process of learning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid the learning and physical integration process of certain skills and qualities I desire by instead being drawn to people that have these qualities, and then bring them into my life in a try and attempt to fulfill what feels like ‘holes’ in myself that I was not tending to and filling for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility to fulfill myself (fill the holes), and instead look to others to apparently make me whole, for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to the people whose skills, abilities and qualities I am drawn to, and instead of taking the opportunity to properly learn from them, diminish myself to their polar opposite through comparison and self-judgment that “I am not that” – all to avoid the simple act of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself, creating self-limiting beliefs about myself, facilitating procrastination and resistance, creating anxiety, stress and anger at myself within myself, which pre-occupies my time and my mind, all in order to keep me busy in my mind instead of actually applying myself to be and become that which I really  want, which is to be and become the living words such as: important (to myself), needed (providing something of value as an expression of me), contributing, supporting myself and others in my life, defining and understanding my purpose, living with ‘intent’ (meaning, living intentionally, not to be misunderstood as ‘having intentions’, because we all know what those can do), commitment, and challenge/pushing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of practicing, applying and living words into and as myself as Who I Am as mind/being/body as an act of self-responsiblity, I instead participated in manipulation, thinking and believing that others could do this for me, feeling that others should  do this for me, that I cannot do this for myself and so I neeeeeeeed  others to be this and do this for me, and so participating in neediness and blame when and as they did not/could not/would not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others instead of taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I cannot take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and perceive that there are certain things I simply cannot do, and so I need others to do it for me, instead of seeing and realizing that I am blinding myself and disempowering myself from those things that would empower me most.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an alternate reality where I am a helpless victim, everything is against me and life is just ‘too hard’, instead of seeing and realizing actual reality, instead of seeing and realizing myself make it through and in fact do well in many cases, but holding on to the self-limiting beliefs simply because ‘it might’ become too hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to teeter on the edge of standing up and falling, wondering why I simply cannot stand “no matter how hard I try”, not seeing that it is me, myself that is still holding open the backdoor for fear that everything I believe about myself may be true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for others to ‘save me’/’fix me’/’make me whole’, to go into sadness and isolation when others do not to ‘save me’/’fix me’/’make me whole’, to take it personally that others cannot to ‘save me’/’fix me’/’make me whole’, and so finally blaming others for what they could not do, instead of stepping up to become my own saviour, fixer, fulfiller, placing myself as that importance in my life that I put the time and effort into understanding and so developing myself into what it is I truly want.

 

 

Breaking Out of Isolation – Creating Something New (part three)

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Continuing here with revealing what it is that holds me back from opening up and reaching out to others:

For too long I have limited myself to the isolation and solitude of OCD, but here I use the tools of self-forgiveness and self-correction to change this pattern.

From here, I leave the isolation and greet a new world whose arms are open to me so long as my arms are open as well.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place differing amounts of worth on others, depending on how much feeling/emotional energy or benefit I think I can gain from the interaction.

 

When and as I see that I am placing others into an energetically-based value system, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to equality by embracing others as me, with an equal value to myself and everyone else.

 

I commit myself to stop any judgment of others, because the only judgment is self-judgment.

 

I commit myself to embrace others unconditionally as me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a ‘people pleasing’ character, or to use manipulation tactics, such as physical movements, voice tonality, or words, in order to try to get people to ‘like’ me, and want to be around or spend time with me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this would surround me with relationships of dependence (instead of relationships of support), where those I connect to would come to me for a pleasing experience, and I would seek feeling/emotional energy from them, because I’ve framed relationships as a give-and-take, because of the belief that they would otherwise not want to be or spend time with me, or I would otherwise not want to spend time with them.

 

When and as I see myself trying to give or get an energetic experience out of a relationship, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honest communication by taking a breath and clearing myself, clearing my starting point from a desire for energy to a practice in self-honest communication.

 

I commit myself to correct myself until self-honest communication is achieved.

 

I commit myself to stop myself from communicating in an exchange-based system of values.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I have no worth, and nothing to give in an interaction, except energy.

 

When and as I see that I am going into an experience of ‘worthlessness’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth by reminding myself that I am walking this entire process for me,  I am dedicating myself to me, and I am committing myself to me, because I am the most worthwhile thing that I have.

 

I commit myself to walk this process for me.

 

I commit myself to dedicate myself to me.

 

I commit myself to me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my own thoughts of worthlessness and unworthiness to limit my participation with others, and thus limit my expression and who I am to only that of giving and receiving energy (positive or negative feelings/motional charges).

 

When and as I see that I am limiting my participation with others due to feelings of worthlessness, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth by pushing myself to interact with others, and show myself through physical actions what my expression is and who I am.

 

I commit myself to show myself who and what I can be and am through physical actions instead of the foundationless judgments of the mind.

 

I commit myself to push through worthlessness to see, realize and understand my innate worth that is the same in everyone.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that if I don’t use energy to manipulate others, that they will not want to be with me or spend time with me, instead of seeing and being my innate worth as a living, breathing being Here.

 

When and as I see myself trying to control how another thinks or feels about me, I stop, and I breathe.  I bring myself back to self-worth by reminding myself that I am not responsible for how others feel or think about me. If I took on that responsibility it would only be to validate some idea I have about myself, when I could be using the opportunity to create Who I Am , utilizing the interaction to find points that require direction, instead of wasting the opportunity by trying to control it.

 

I commit myself to wean myself off of the addiction to emotional and feeling energy.

 

I commit myself to learn and push and fight for the power of self-creation.

More self-forgiveness to come!

 

For the entire series:

 

Breaking Out of Isolation (pt 2)

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In this blog, I am forgiving myself to set myself free. I am forgiving myself for all the judgements, hidden fears and secret thoughts that have caused me to be a shy, introverted person, incapable of reaching out to others for support.

Self-Forgiveness:

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to approach others, to express myself in front of others, and to be myself when with others in a social setting.

 

When and as I am in a social setting, and I see that I am recoiling within myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the simplicity of the physical, and allow myself to just be, talk, and move, without the complications of the mind of thoughts, beliefs, judgments and self-limiting fears, within the realization that I can pass from moment to moment and let it all go in one moment, and there is nothing that can cling to me and bring me down except by my own acceptance and allowance.

 

I commit myself to push myself to daringly live in the moment, from moment to moment,

 

I commit myself to prove to myself that there is nothing to fear from others, and that what I fear only exists within me, and is mine to change.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to approach others because I worry they will be bothered by me coming up to them and drawing attention to myself.

 

When and as I am approaching another, and I get the sensation that they do not want to see me, I stop, and I breathe, I bring myself back to common sense by trying it first, before making the judgment. By ‘trying it first’ I mean: if I approach another and there is no sign that they don’t like my presence, then I can see that it is only in my mind. If, on the other hand, I see plainly that I am interrupting or coming at a bad time, that this is simply a practical point, NOT a personal point, and I can simply ask if it is a bad time for them. If/when I approach someone, and they react in impatience and annoyance, I remind myself that this is a point that they are dealing with, and has nothing to do with me and I should not take it personally.

 

I commit myself to judge in the moment, based on actual events, as to whether or not I should approach another, and if there is uncertainty, to simply ask.

 

I commit myself to breathe through the reaction of taking it personally if someone seems frustrated or annoyed, because I see that when I am annoyed or impatient with others, it is always because of something within myself, no matter how much I blame and project.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I am not worth someone spending their time on me or with me, and that there has to be some kind of ‘exchange or payment’ wherein the interaction has to be ‘deserved’ instead of shared unconditionally.

 

When and as I am going into the energetic experience of inferiority within the belief that I am not worth spending time with and have nothing to give, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth by sharing myself unconditionally, which is all I can do.

 

I commit myself to slow down during interactions, and to direct myself to, as much as possible, create mutually beneficial sharing through self-honesty.

More self-forgiveness to come!

For the entire series:

 

Breaking Out of the Isolation (part one)

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I have always been nervous and uncomfortable speaking up and reaching out to others. Going through school, jobs and life, I have often experienced myself as quiet, shy, and holding myself back from fully participating. Even on more intimate, personal levels, I find the fears and resistances towards reaching out are still existent within me. It is discouraging and saddening when one is too afraid to take the leap and initiate an interaction, because that’s when we start missing out on something that could have been; we are missing out on exploring who we are, and are throwing away our capacity as creators, never getting the chance to see what we had the potential to create as ourselves, or the journey we could have walked. In this we are, in a way, accepting and allowing a diminished version of reality, compared to one that we so easily could have enjoyed.
As time passes and we grow farther from the cradle and closer to the grave, life starts taking on a new seriousness and intensity. This cold, hard reality can lead to asking oneself some pretty substantial questions; Is being held back by fears worth not fully living? Am I prepared to look back on it all, and among all the ups and downs and experiences, feel an underlying theme of regret? Am I not brave enough to live as an equal to others and all that is Here? Will I accept and allow my own self-judgment lead me to live a life of unworthiness?
When we limit ourselves with fears, we are missing out on so much everything life has to offer. If we need support, but are too scared to open up and ask, we are condemning ourselves to isolation and solitude. What is this veil of shyness/timidity/fear really hiding? What is the value and definition we’ve placed on ourselves that is making us feel too scared to reach out to others, or to participate freely in a social interaction?
In my next blog, I will explore this point for myself by using self-forgiveness; forgiving myself unconditionally for the hidden fears, values and self-definitions that I held about myself.
For the entire series:

Self-Neglect: Awareness Emerges (Stepping Out of the Isolation of OCD)

With having dermatillomania/OCD/excoriation disorder, we can tend to isolate ourselves and shrink our worlds down to include very few people. Thinking that this makes it easier is a justification to not have to face the world and the disorder, but instead to indulge into the disorder and hide from the negative consequences it creates by isolating ourselves from the world.

This does not mean the consequences are not there, it just means we are not looking at them because nothing in our world is mirroring to us our actual reality – we are instead creating a reality within which we can exist more comfortably, even though we know very well we will have to face it eventually.

In this video, I discuss moments where small acts of neglect can lead to this isolation, and lead to projecting one’s own reactions onto others, feeling as though it is the world, reality and the people within it that are being neglectful towards us, when in fact it is ourselves that can contribute to this, and thus change it.