The Decision to STOP

stopThe decision to stop never really happens in one moment. Even when I make a decision to stand in one moment and I stand, I realize that the moment was never an isolated incident. Moments of Decision Making and ‘Taking A Stand’ open up, but are only ever the result of all the other moments that took place before, the thousands of little moments that accumulated and contributed to who we are in this moment Here. This is what determines if Who I Am is someone that will stand, or someone that will fall.

For me, the development of resolve is tested every day. I have stood up and made decisions, and it is almost as if by design I am immediately tested in a way that is greater than I what I believed myself to be capable of. As if the experience of power and mightiness that I feel in that moment of making a decision is matched by a direct challenge, and as a result, I fall often.

This is because it is not about the way one ‘feels’ when a decision is made, but rather how one directs self through all the moments before, the moments that led to the opening up of a moment of opportunity, where one can really make the decision to take a stand.

For me, there were moments where I was able to stand and face myself. These were moments where I believed it to be too big or too overwhelming, yet I was able to find a place within myself where there was safe quietness, a true source of power.

What I learned was, it is never about the feeling or experience one has while making a decision. In fact, if there is any kind of feeling or emotion in the moment of making a decision, I can be sure that I will be tested and fall. This is because thoughts, feelings and emotions do not create a stable foundation base from which to stand. They are erratic, unpredictable and come and go seemingly on their own. We don’t’ necessarily have control over our feelings and emotions in a way that is constructive or beneficial, in fact, we most often seem to use them in the form of self-sabotage and self-manipulation. So, how can we depend on these undependable, sporadic and non-substantial things to face our darkest hour? In my experience, we cannot.

Real strength and resolve comes from directing oneself in the decisions one makes every day, in many many seemingly insignificant, or even significant moments. When I faced myself in my darkest hour and was finally able to stand, it was only after I had spent weeks doing a little bit every day. Most days there is no feeling or experience of advancement or result, and one has to direct self with common sense, within knowing what is best. Testing, playing with all things, and keeping what is good.

I am still faced with challenges every day, and I have to make the decision to stop, to start, to move, to look, to stay still, over and over again, in many moments throughout the day. It can be a bit of a jungle out there, but we each have more power than we may think.

For me, the tools and skills I have developed for myself have been a result of studying and applying the Desteni principles. It is the only way I have had any real effect. It takes time, but not an endless amount of time.

Check out this blog for some insight into daily accumulation: Creating Structure(s)

 

 

Teaching Self How to Make A REAL Decision

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Continued from: The Decision to Break Down, and Start Over

After having created a life of consequence in the form of debt, health problems, addiction, wasted work experience, and isolation, I made one of the most important decisions of my life. It was a decision for myself alone at first, where I stood solid and firm as the decision-maker, in complete and raw self-honesty. I decided that I was going to stop living in such a way where the outflows of my choices, actions and decisions were that of consequence and self-diminishment and instead start the process of making decisions that would create myself as a better human being.

I saw that I had to do this for myself first, but that as a result I would be a better version of myself for those in my reality and thus, be a better human being in this world. I wrote out a list of self-commitments, such as:

“I commit myself to take complete self-responsibility for the decision that I make, and to stand within and as the decisions that I make, so that they are MY decisions.

I commit myself to stop seeking/wanting/needing/desiring validation and approval for the decision that I make.

I commit myself to making decisions and taking action based on the principles I decide to stand by, and not based on what’s easiest or what I’m in the mood for.

I commit myself to eradicate the fear of failure from my Life.”

I also wrote out instructions for myself, guidelines based in principle that I could look to in moments when I would face those moments of wanting to abandon myself within the decision-making process.
Interestingly, when I decided to make decisions in this way, my life literally fell apart. I learned that I had been holding some expectations that things would get better because I was assisting and supporting myself to create a better self. What I hadn’t considered was the fact that my entire reality had been built upon a habitual and patterned foundation of character, and now that I was changing myself at this foundational level, all the structures I had built upon it were crumbling.

I am grateful for this now though, because I can see now that in order to build the new, me must at the same time let go of the old. The things that I let go of were relationships that I had formed that were not best for me (either changed/altered or left completely), environments/living situations that were not optimal were left and new ones were created, career changes made, addictive substances were removed from my life, and many other changes, both internal and external took place.

Each of these actions of letting-go were a result of my new decision-making process. Each one taking away hiding places, dependencies and escape or avoidance mechanisms. This left me squarely in the face of the reality of myself. From this position I had to face many of my own weaknesses (strengths in the making!), I had to make many mistakes (mis-takes), and I had to step up or step out. Herein, another important decision: I chose (and continue to choose) to step up, I want to play, I am here to participate fully.