Tracing the Source Patterns of Skin-Picking (pt 2)

banner-982162__340

I am going to share an excerpt from my last chat with an old mentor of mine, within which I asked for insight on how I can assist and support myself within walking through and out of the point of OCD. The following structure was provided:

“Memories, for instance could be a series of memories that started at a point and then mutated through the imagination into an other-worldly memory and eventually into a memory that facilitate a feeling or a presence, which then transfers into for instance an action like skin-picking. Here you can for instance, walk it backwards – when a point of OCD occur, then you look at the feeling, dissect it, then you look at the pattern of the feeling, then look at the memories related to it, which are the circumstantial activation points. A Memory will be a reflection within your environment that cause a repeating pattern. Then look at how you have, through repeated views of the memories as thoughts, as thinking about it, as feeling about it – mutated it. Then, search for the original memory, the event, which started it all and then compare the original memory with the memory as it now exist to realise how you have changed it to support the particular repeating paranoia.”


I utilized these points to write this blog: Tracing the Source Patterns of OCD. It is from this blog that I am continuing to investigate how past memories have come back to haunt me – so to speak- because I have used them to create an alternate or other-worldly reality/experience of myself that is not actually completely aligned with the reality that I actually live as myself. The following excerpt comes from my previous blog, which I suggest be read for context. These are the words I will be working with to begin my self-forgiveness:

“I was not able to, at that age, consider that there is a learning process. I did not realize that I was being actively taught something, and I thought that I was already supposed to know these things that the other students knew. I didn’t realize that it was ok that I didn’t know the language yet, or that I was not the only one in the position of not knowing. I reacted to the situation in a state of fear and confusion, and instead of remaining in the present moment and enjoying the learning process and simply listening to the new words, I searched into the past as if I had forgotten to do something or missed something along the way, and I remained utterly confused and frozen with incomprehension as I searched fruitlessly for this knowledge I was apparently supposed to have. Obviously I did not have this knowledge yet, and my search for it was in vain”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to understand everything immediately, in other words and furthermore:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that concepts are only understandable if I can understand them right away/immediately and without effort. Within this,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘shut down’ within myself when and as I am confronted/presented with a concept that I do not yet understand, due to the belief that I will never understand and there is something wrong with me, accompanied by frustration,confusion and self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look inwards, to direct my attention internally, desperately and frantically searching for knowledge and information pre-existent within myself as a means to comprehend or understand a concept that I am not familiar with, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the answer is not in my mind, my programming or my understanding, at least not yet, it is in the physical and thus it takes physical time and patience for the process of learning and integration through common sense and a step-by-step process of practice and understanding, much like what I am doing here as self-understanding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to confusion within/as fear and avoidance, within/as self-defeat expressed as “I just don’t get it”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought “I just don’t get it” to exist within and as me as a form of giving up and shutting down, and then dis-associate to void the negative feeling inside myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the energetic experience of fear and panic to the thought “I just don’t get it”, and then dis-associate so as not to experience them ,thus suppressing them inside of me, where they grow and evolve and come out later on in my thoughts, self-beliefs and then actions such as skin-picking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the decision within and as myself, that when I don’t ‘get’ something, I will never get it, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inferior to the knowledge and information, and inferior to those who do get it faster than/before myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less-than and inferior during the learning process, which causes me to fear and avoid the learning process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and avoid the learning process due to my own accepted and allowed self-judgment regarding who and how I am within learning.

To be continued…

The Fear of Being Ugly (part six)

face-3052778_960_720

 

Continuing from my previous self-forgiveness statements, scripting out here my self-corrections and self-commitments to stop the patterns I live that do not support myself nor anything or anyone else. To change them to patterns of self-support that can be lived daily, in every breath, to support myself to let go of compulsive skin-picking.

These self-commitments and self-corrections are derived from the self-forgiveness statements from Day 169- Dermatillomania: The Fear of Being Ugly, which I would highly suggest reading for context and for its own merit.

When and as I see myself observing others and making comparisons of them to myself in my mind, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-acceptance by accepting everything about the appearance of others as simply ‘Who They Are’ and Where they are At within their own process, the same self-acceptance that I would now afford to myself, unconditionally, so that within my interactions I am coming from the starting point of actual communication; where each one is heard and each one listens, instead of two beings judging each other in their minds, creating secret competitions, causing each to feel better or feel worse after the interaction, instead of simply sharing a moment and then letting it go.

I commit myself to interact with others based on Who They Are, and Not how they look, getting to know who others are in their entirety,

I commit myself to Listen and Hear when interacting with others, instead of looking and thinking.

When and as I see that I am being or becoming influenced by my external environment, based on my reactions to/towards the looks, words or actions of others to/towards me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to my own decision-making ability by deciding to, in the moment of reaction, let it go, and breathe. I direct myself to move on to the next task, and not carry with me any reactions I may have experienced. I direct myself to continuously let go of the previous moment, until I no longer experience the reaction in the first place, because I had proven so thoroughly how futile it in fact ever was.
I commit myself to clear myself of the reactions I create and manifest within me, moment to moment, making sure I am clear within each moment, not carrying over reactive energy from the last/past moment.
I commit myself to stop feeding the reactions I create based upon the actions and reactions of others. Each is in his/her own process, thus reacting to another is only creating unnecessary consequences for myself and for the other- but mostly for myself.