Within this blog I will be digging in a little deeper, based on the support I was given here:
“I didn’t have such problem with my face per se but arms, and it all stemmed from perceiving myself as being flawed/ inadequate/ ugly/ anxious and it’s like a zoning out because of the amount of meticulous attention you put into this mechanical effort yet the relief was not experiencing myself.”
“It’s like one is so entertained with doing it that everything else just disappears, including the thoughts because we become that activity in itself without any other consideration. “
…”which was in essence using that physical act to cover up the Inner experience”
“for me the ocd started with obsessive cleaning/arranging stuff in a specific way when I was around 5-6, and I see how I used the point as a way to channel my internal experiences of absolute dread/horror/fear/anxiety – experiences which I had due to living in an abusive environment where I was unable to actually express my experiences.”
“What we’ve identified here is simply a series of distractions that we use to not take self responsibility, which many times it won’t be a ‘doing something’ but rather learning how to exist without a constant need to move/ do something all the time, which is like an ingrained level of ‘energy’ to deal with and channel it through any means. The ‘ways’ vary from person to person due to environmental influence as we’ve described, but the starting point is the same: existing as energy, not physical”.
Basically, what I am seeing, realizing and understanding within this recent support, is that what is being done from an early age, is not dealing with the internal experiences of emotions and feelings, but instead occupying and focusing oneself so much on one activity that the experiences become drowned out.
In this, the internal experience is suppressed, pushed down, not understood and at the same time, continuously created. This would predictably lead to the need for more and more distraction, more intense focus, deeper attention to detail, and eventually an all-encompassing disorder- as the generating of internal energies and experiences has not been ceased nor directed, but has been allowed to run rampant.
Of course then there is a sense of no control- because nothing real is being practically addressed or directed. Within not understanding what is being created within, or how it’s being created, it will just continue to build. And then in not directing it once it’s there, but instead avoiding it, it will need to come out somewhere, in some form of activity. And that activity will be unique to the individual, based on their life experience, upbringing, genetics, environment etc…
So this leads me to ask myself: what am I generating within myself, and how exactly am I doing it? This will be the topic of my next blog.