Within this blog I am continuing working through the point of guilt within OCD, wherein not only am I placing myself as less important and less valued than the disorder, but I am also placing those in my world as second to my disorder.
“I constantly and consistently choose OCD over real Life and Actual Living, where Life is defined as living within and as self-direction in every moment, living in presence and awareness, constantly improving, perfecting, honing, mastering, supporting oneself within and as every breath, supporting others as self, equal and one. Not living within and as guilt, regret, suppression and fear, addiction, disorder and obsessive compulsion.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect to realize and understand that within investing myself into and as OCD, CSP by investing my time, and myself as energy as reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions, I am allowing energy over time to slowly utilize my finite physical resource instead of utilizing that resource for actual living, to be and become relevant, and to be the source of solution instead of the source of the problem/disorder that I am.
I commit myself to value and invest the time and physical resources that I DO have, into the substantial investment of myself as Life
I commit myself to take myself BACK from the disorder that I am, and to create myself anew by pushing myself, over and over, until I get it, bit by bit, until I AM.
When and I as I see that I am in a moment of poorly invested time as energy as the disorder I find myself existing as and within, I stop, and I breathe, and I face it, without fear or hesitation, I stop, and I choose my investment as myself as life, and nothing can be so terrible and so bad and unendurable to make me decide otherwise. In the end, there is no choice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within and as guilt to the fact that I have invested myself into and as a disorder that gives me apparent ‘release’ from the inner pressure I myself had created, thus misplacing value away from everyone and everything around me, and placing myself as ‘who I am as OCD’ as my number one priority, while suppressing my self-expression and my potential of equal and one living.
I commit myself to continue stopping any and all reactions as separation, as if the disorder were something separate from myself that I can look at and react ot and judge as a separate entity. It is not, it is not something “I have”, it is something ‘I am’, something I have accepted and allowed in unawareness, it is something I used to cope because I didn’t understand how to deal with the overwhelming feelings and emotions I would experience. But it doesn’t take away my responsibility, because I created it, only I can un-do it, delete it, release it, stop it, push through it, and re-create myself as self-support, self-love, self-acceptance, self-honour, self-will, self-honest and self-direction.
When and as I see that I am going into guilt because of and due to the fact that I have valued the disorder over myself and others, and over Life and real living, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by reminding myself that the guilt is only self-manipulation that further entrenches me into the disorder. Guilt only fuels the internal storm that leads me to pick instead of me leading myself to self-support. I bring myself back to self-direction by stopping the guilt in one moment and not accepting or allowing myself to participate in and perpetuate it in any way whatsoever, and I direct myself to see, realize and understand that the instant cure for guilt is to take myself back in that moment, to pick myself up and push myself back to this process and back to reality.