I was recently challenged to find one word that I can work on to redefine and live for myself; a word which would be most supportive for me to assist myself to change in a moment of struggle.
The word I chose was EMBRACE, where I would instruct myself to in difficult moments, embrace me – all of me, as I am – and in that moment of what I perceived would be warmth comfort and the security in knowing ‘I got me’, I would find the strength within myself to Stop, and change.
Funny how reality rarely plays out to match our expectations.
The reality play-out of applying ‘self-embrace’ in moments was much different, and closer to feeling like a steel rain of pain and hurt was raining down on me, with a pit of aloneness and despair opening up beneath me.
This experience now ‘bombarding me’ at my weakest points, when I needed self-support the most, felt instead like I was being punished and shot down, adding insult to injury – as if anything ‘good’ of me; my strength, my integrity, my ability to support myself, or any SELF I had, was ripped away and replaced with desolation, aloneness, abandonment, despair, remorse, hurt and pain.
I finally realized that I had so far been living the word EMBRACE conditionally – with condition that it requires another, outside of myself, to embrace me, or give me the feeling of ‘being embraced’ through their actions and words.
The pain, hurt, diminishment, despair, remorse, desolation, aloneness and loneliness I was experiencing felt as though I was diminished to nothing, incapable of embracing myself, because there was scarcely a Self there to embrace, or be embraced.
I looked at why I felt so diminished within my living of this word, and realized that I had in fact been diminishing myself this entire time, abandoning myself, neglecting my myself, punishing and disregarding myself over a lifetime in an attempt to appease others so that THEY would embrace me, accept me, love me, comfort me, heal me etc… – trying and attempting to become whatever I needed to be to become ’embrace-able’.
Without the understanding that no one can actually do this FOR me, throughout my life I could not understand why I couldn’t settle this one point of embrace, and would pick myself apart piece by piece, looking for the part that is so unacceptable, unlovable and un-embracable, without knowing that piece-by-piece, I had been diminishing and destroying myself. And on top of that, I had been ‘putting myself back together’ in ways that I thought I needed to be in order to be embraced ‘As I am’ (which was not Who I Am at all).
That ‘As I am’ was actually like a Frankenstein monster born from lack of self-acceptance, lack of self-love, full of self-judgment impulsing self-hate and living the words: I, as I am, am not acceptable, not good enough, unworthy, not loveable, and so: un-embraceable – thinking and believing I just needed to perfect my Frankenstein creation in order to somehow ‘get there’.
Because of this truth of me, when the time came where I actually looked to embrace mySELF alone, I had to face the reality of what I had become and what I had done to myself, and it was a very sad reality indeed.
And there was no way to stop it, to push it down and suppress it, because in deciding to live the word EMBRACE I had made an agreement with myself, even if unknowingly, to SEE myself in this way for the first time. To let go of holding it together and holding on to the Frankenstein I had defined myself as and become in the belief that ‘this’ was the acceptable version of me I must be and present to the world, and to instead see the reality of me. And it hurt. A lot.
And all I could do was to feel it. Feel the hurt, and breathe. It lasted for hours on the first night, where I ended up writing till the wee hours of the morning.
The second time it was shorter, with the solution emerging of where and how I can substantiate myself in my Life as Who I Really Am and what I actually want to create myself as for me, and not for the acceptance, love, approval and ’embrace’ of others.
After that it was then triggered in moments during my days. Moments where I would be feeling left out or not considered, reminding me of a lifetime of self-neglect, showing me that I am not actually applying my solution of myself in substantial ways, and that I am still modifying myself in small ways that are not Who I Am as a habitual pattern of living that needs to be stopped and changed.
Where I move from Here is to embrace myself despite the pain. I embrace myself exactly as I am and have accepted and allowed myself to become. I FEEL the pain, I sit in it and I breathe it into myself, using it as a reference, a lesson of consequence of what I will and will not accept and allow within and as myself from this new vantage point of seeing, realizing and understanding what my thoughts, words and deeds actually manifest as my living reality, and that of those around me.
Please have a listen: https://youtu.be/bDDD2v-mR18