Feeling Like an Outcast

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I can relate to the experience of feeling like an outcast. It is very rare that I feel like I fit in comfortably anywhere or in any group. This is an experience that had to start somewhere, because I wasn’t born feeling like I don’t belong. It is something that is learned through, friends, family and environment when a child is young and cannot fully understand or process information, situations and reactions from others. Usually when people would get mad or upset with me, or if other kids teased me, I would immediately think there was something inherently wrong with me as a kind of default understanding of the situation. I never really questioned if it was actually something about me, and looking back, I see I always had something to explain it or blame myself with.

When I was younger I was a tomboy, and I liked to play physical games and rough-house, and most of my friends were boys. But I always felt secretly ashamed and less-than because I was a girl. I would notice the boys treated me a bit differently, and it made me feel different, and I couldn’t play on the same sports teams as my friends.

There were some things I felt awkward doing because I began to understand that normally, girls don’t do that type of thing. So when other girls would not be interested in being my friend or would tease me, I felt like an outcast from both genders and began to define myself as different, but in a ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ way.

It’s as if the way that I was naturally was wrong, and my ‘who I am’ was breaking some unspoken rules. I felt that I made people mad just by existing. Looking back now and being able to understand more clearly, I see that it would not have been impossible to enjoy aspects of both genders, and later on in life I was able to embrace the femininity I had come to reject for so long, seeing it instead as a strength and a flexibility.

OCD began presenting itself in my life pretty early on, so the cuts and scabs and marks on my skin made me a bit of a target, especially combined with the ‘tomboy’ appearance. OCD is something that I did not understand and again, did not question, but simply accepted as a part of who and how I am. I was ashamed of it and did not seek support but rather tried to hide it and become invisible so as to avoid being teased. This then furthering my mind’s programming a view of myself as an outcast due primarily to shame. Both of these issues remained with me for most of my life, with the OCD continuing but is something I can now see and understand more clearly, and am now supporting myself to face.

When I was a bit older my family moved to a new neighborhood. It was one with bigger houses and the kids that I become friends with were from wealthier families. My family did live in a very nice neighborhood, but were what is called ‘mortgage poor’. Many of the new friend I became close with were doing activities such as for example, horse-back riding lessons, or going away to summer camp, and I did not see the bigger picture of why I couldn’t also do these things. At first they would show me their medals and tell me all about camp, but at some point they stopped and started actually hiding things from me. Once I found out my best friend had bought a snowboard after we had been talking for a while about how much we wanted to go snowboarding. She later admitted that she had hidden it from me because she felt bad. I did eventually get to go to summer camp and get a snow board, but not before having developed a sense of self-pity. I wasn’t able to see the bigger picture, that my parents were stabilising in their careers, that there were financial factors that had to play out.

Instead I had defined a part of myself, again, as an outcast, always a bit ‘off’, or ‘less-than’ in some way, nurturing self-pity and self-diminishment. I see now that all of humanity face different struggles and exist at different levels of income. I see that I am among the elite in the world when I look at the big picture, and I absolutely do not judge the billions of people struggling to survive as ‘less-than’ or ‘pitiful’, but rather the consequential outflow of a system designed to create poverty. I see myself now as in a position of responsibility towards others, to open my eyes to others and to the reality of our current situation on this planet.

As  I got older and started working, I was confronted with feeling like an outcast due to language politics. I am part of an English-speaking minority in a French province, and I began working with the public during a time where there was a lot of social and political tension between the two groups. I ended up working in a primarily French neighborhood at one point, and I remember working with people one night that were making fun of the way I spoke. It got to the point where I eventually broke down crying, believing that the French would never accept me. Most places I would go when exploring more of the city as I got older would have French culture or influence, and I would feel I didn’t belong and wasn’t wanted. I had French people insult me for being English, and there was graffiti in a local park telling the English to ‘go home’, but to me, this WAS my home!

Looking back I can see that I wanted to be accepted, but the problem is with the starting point I had at the time. I still saw the French culture as something foreign that I could not be a part of. I felt a hostility and separateness that was impenetrable. So the wanting to be accepted came from me wanting to change my internal experience and feel better about myself by having others accept me. The way I see it now is that I was the one creating impenetrable walls around me to protect myself. I could not, at the time, see that language politics were being used in a larger political context playing out on a provincial and national stage, but instead I judged myself for the language I spoke. What I eventually learned was that in not judging myself and not hiding myself and keeping quiet, but rather by accepting MYSELF, I am able to open up more to, with sincere intrigue and acceptance, get to know a whole other culture and see and realize how it came to be, and understand where it comes from. Within this, I am now able to get to know other human beings, and see that all human beings are influenced and affected by the culture within which they are raised, myself included. I also see how the two cultures  are not mutually exclusive, and have grown and developed together, intersecting and intertwining at points, having a mutual effect on each other. Now I feel like I can actually appreciate this difference that exists where I live, and learn a lot from it as well, but not because anybody else started doing anything differently. It all started to change when I started to change myself.

There are many times now where this program still gets triggered in my mind, and I judge myself and then blame something outside of me and feel like an outcast again. It’s persistent because it starts so early in life, before understanding, so it becomes the accepted explanation. There is a group now of people that are very inspiring to me, people that I admire very much, where my ‘outcast system’ often becomes triggered. Looking at it now, I can see that I am judging myself because I know that I could be doing better, and doing more in many ways. I also see that I am not giving myself credit for the things I am working on or have done, but instead only focusing on the ‘negatives’ and allowing myself only to look at what I am not doing well. These different dimensions trigger the self-impression that I am not good enough, not worthy, destined to be an outcast. But the difference here is that this is the present moment, which is the moment where I have the power to do things differently. The moments in the past have already happened, so all I can do is look back and see how I could have done things differently or better to be more supportive towards myself. But things that come up now where I start to feel like an outcast again are like opportunities for me to look a little deeper, and do something different NOW, and change the experience while I am in it. I will start with some self-forgiveness on the point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within comparison to people that I admire or look up to, wherein, instead of ‘looking up to’ them, I can look to them as a resource that I can use to assist and support myself to overcome the obstacles I face, turning every obstacle into a gift of learning and overcoming.

When and as I see that I am ‘looking up to’ others in comparison and self-judgment, I stop, and I breathe, I bring myself back to equality and oneness by reminding myself that I can instead look to others to learn and use their experience to apply in my own life that which can assist and support me to be the best possible version of myself in my own unique and individual way. I see, realize and understand that by using judgment and comparison I am only denying myself an opportunity to grow, to learn, to evolve and to expand.

I commit myself to identify moments of judgment and comparison, and look for ways to turn it into learning, growing and expanding by giving myself what I judge myself as not having/being, and develop in me the qualities I notice in others..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that anyone or anything outside of myself can make me less than or make me an outcast, because in reflecting on my life and investigating the ‘outcast’ character, I can see that there is and has always been another way.

When and as I see that I am blaming someone or something outside of myself for causing me to feel like an outcast, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to living self-forgiveness by reminding myself that only I have the power to condemn me, and that this is something I will no longer accept and allow as part of me and the way I use my power. Instead, I will use my personal power and decision-making authority to author for myself a new way of being, by forgiving the old patterns that were learned in un-awareness, and living instead a new pattern that I choose and that I create, one of self-acceptance, one of seeing and looking in self-honesty at ways where I can create a life internally and externally, where I am supported and challenged to change.

I commit myself to take self-responsibility for my personal growth, and for stopping my personal self-diminishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my mind system program when it tells me I am not good enough, I am shameful and that I do not belong, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to this self-talk by diminishing myself, closing myself off and becoming apparently small and invisible.

When and as I see that I am listening to my mind telling me I am not good enough, that I am shameful and I do not belong, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by reminding myself that whenever I have reflected back, I have always seen another way. I push myself to override this program by forgiving it and allowing myself to see another way IN THE MOMENT. I push myself to use this seeing, realizing and understanding to expand, open up about the challenges I face, interact, ask for support when needed, and become visible, where I see my POTENTIAL, and not the self-diminishing version of myself I had grown to accept and allow within me as my self-definition.

I commit myself to fearlessly become big, visible and open.

 

The Buddy System, Does it Work?

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I recently spoke to a life-coach friend of mine regarding ways to tackle stopping OCD. She asked me to describe the experience of what I call an ‘OCD possession’ in detail. As I described it, we together realized that there is always a trigger, or a source to why the compulsion seems to ‘take over’ me entirely. We arranged it so that I would reach out to her, either online or phone call, when I feel an OCD possession coming on. So I tried it, and I must admit, it was very difficult to do at first.

The first point I faced were the excuses my mind would throw at me in the moments before I would call her. I would feel the OCD possession coming on, and I would think about calling her, and my mind would come up with so many reasons why I should not call. The excuses looked like this: ‘she is too busy to receive a call from me’, or ‘this is silly, I can do this without her’ (I couldn’t), and so on.

I forced myself to reach out to her on Viber. I told her I was having urges to pick my skin. We looked behind the urges, and it turned out that I was anxious about going to meet with a group of people. I was anticipating all the judgments they would think about me because of my skin. My friend suggested this is a form of projected self-judgment, wherein I was taking my own self-judgement and projecting it in to the future, and ‘attaching’ it to my ideas of others and how I was guessing others would look at me (the same way I look at myself: in extreme judgment for what I do to myself).

It turns out that I judge myself more harshly than anybody, and I create in my mind this harsh world ‘out there’ that is painful to live and function in. But the reality is that I have created this within myself, and then projected it on to the world.

Yes, it’s true that, from time to time, I have received harsh judgment from others. But when I actually experience that judgment, it is not usually as bad as it is in my mind. Judgment from others does happen, and I will look at this in another blog. But for now, I have realized that the greatest, harshest, judgment I endure actually comes from within me, and this is great news!

Why is this great news? Because of the power of self-forgiveness. Returning back now to the scenario where my life-coach friend and I found the source of my anxiety as I was feeling the compulsion to pick my skin before going out to meet a group of friends – the moment she suggested I was projecting my self-judgment on to my friends, I began to forgive myself (I will post the self-forgiveness below). As I forgave myself, the pressure and anxiety went away, and I could move myself.

In the next blog, I will describe the second resistance I faced, how I walked through it, and the outcome of the scenario that was VERY different than how things usually play out!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing a group of people with imperfect skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement I may receive from people regarding the blemishes on my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the secret thoughts that others may have about me because it is apparent that I pick my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thoughts I think others may be having lead me to fall into an ocd possession and actually end up picking my skin/picking my skin more, thus manifesting that which I am actually fearing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thoughts I think others are having, affect Who and How I am within myself, and how I experience myself, instead of ME deciding who and How I am, and directing how I experience myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own self-judgment about Who and How I am within OCD onto others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for picking my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having fallen into an OCD possession, leaving marks on my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak/flawed/imperfect/out of control when I pick my skin so much that it leaves blemishes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mind being exposed to the world when I have marks which show the true nature of my mind.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to live and move myself within forgiveness, instead of constantly being harsh and judgmental towards myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself most of the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to punish myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I need to be punished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself and be harsh and judgmental with myself instead of changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing OCD.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self-movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living fully.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist reaching out to my buddy when I feel an ocd possession coming on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel undeserving of assistance and support for OCD because I feel like it’s my problem that I created, it is my burden and no one else should have to deal with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses for why I shouldn’t reach out for assistance and support when and as I can see that I am going into an OCD possession, instead of embracing any and all support I can get to walk myself through stopping this disorder.

I will continue in my next post: ‘The Buddy System, Does it Work? (part two)

 

Breaking Out of Isolation – Creating Something New (final)

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Here I am concluding the self-forgiveness on the point of living within and as isolation due to a fear of speaking up and reaching out to connect to others. Please read the first three parts of this process for context: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never develop a supportive relationship with myself,  showing myself my own worth through my actions and comportment towards myself, but instead I have neglected myself, abandoned myself for the energy of the mind, and only judged myself, being hard on myself and beating myself up.

When and as I see that I am going into an energy of self-sabotage (I’m not god enough/I can’t do this/I don’t have the energy/it’s not worth it/I’ll fail anyways) I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth by stopping my actions and thoughts in that moment, and instead doing something nice and supportive to/towards myself. I remind myself that, so long as I am alive, it is not too late to be good to myself, to support myself, and to show myself that I am Here for me.

I commit myself to diminish self-sabotage, and increase self-support in my life until  all that is left is the self-support as Who I Am as Life.

I commit myself to honour and cherish myself.

The above, and in the past three blogs, are all words on a screen, however, these words exist within me. Because I went inside and found what it is I want to live and express from now on, I described the experience in words, I brought the words forth and put them on to a screen, and I read them again. I read these words TO myself AS myself, thus I have spoken and listened. I have HEARD these words, and the process of writing out the point has had an effect on me. I have had an effect on me. I have influenced me. I have challenged myself to see, do and be differently. I have taken an active role in creating myself as Who and How I want to be.

The effect of the practical application of these words has been laying the foundations of self-worth, self-care, and self-support, as well as a more dynamic self-experience. Because I value myself, I have shared myself, I have put myself ‘out there’, and I am receiving different feedback, reactions and perspectives from others; things I would not have otherwise considered. Because I see myself as worthy, I am connecting to others, I’m expanding and growing, I’m learning, I’m finding solutions and pushing for them. Because I am supporting myself, I am allowing myself a voice and having an effect on my reality. This, to me, is pushing towards really living; and to answer the questions I asked at the beginning:

“Is being held back by fears worth not fully living? Am I prepared to look back on it all, and among all the ups and downs and experiences, feel an underlying theme of regret? Am I not brave enough to live as an equal to others and all that is Here? Will I accept and allow my own self-judgment lead me to live a life of unworthiness?”

The  answer is an abounding YES! It is ALL worth it, because I am worth it.

 

Breaking Out of Isolation – Creating Something New (part three)

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Continuing here with revealing what it is that holds me back from opening up and reaching out to others:

For too long I have limited myself to the isolation and solitude of OCD, but here I use the tools of self-forgiveness and self-correction to change this pattern.

From here, I leave the isolation and greet a new world whose arms are open to me so long as my arms are open as well.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place differing amounts of worth on others, depending on how much feeling/emotional energy or benefit I think I can gain from the interaction.

 

When and as I see that I am placing others into an energetically-based value system, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to equality by embracing others as me, with an equal value to myself and everyone else.

 

I commit myself to stop any judgment of others, because the only judgment is self-judgment.

 

I commit myself to embrace others unconditionally as me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a ‘people pleasing’ character, or to use manipulation tactics, such as physical movements, voice tonality, or words, in order to try to get people to ‘like’ me, and want to be around or spend time with me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this would surround me with relationships of dependence (instead of relationships of support), where those I connect to would come to me for a pleasing experience, and I would seek feeling/emotional energy from them, because I’ve framed relationships as a give-and-take, because of the belief that they would otherwise not want to be or spend time with me, or I would otherwise not want to spend time with them.

 

When and as I see myself trying to give or get an energetic experience out of a relationship, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honest communication by taking a breath and clearing myself, clearing my starting point from a desire for energy to a practice in self-honest communication.

 

I commit myself to correct myself until self-honest communication is achieved.

 

I commit myself to stop myself from communicating in an exchange-based system of values.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I have no worth, and nothing to give in an interaction, except energy.

 

When and as I see that I am going into an experience of ‘worthlessness’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth by reminding myself that I am walking this entire process for me,  I am dedicating myself to me, and I am committing myself to me, because I am the most worthwhile thing that I have.

 

I commit myself to walk this process for me.

 

I commit myself to dedicate myself to me.

 

I commit myself to me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my own thoughts of worthlessness and unworthiness to limit my participation with others, and thus limit my expression and who I am to only that of giving and receiving energy (positive or negative feelings/motional charges).

 

When and as I see that I am limiting my participation with others due to feelings of worthlessness, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth by pushing myself to interact with others, and show myself through physical actions what my expression is and who I am.

 

I commit myself to show myself who and what I can be and am through physical actions instead of the foundationless judgments of the mind.

 

I commit myself to push through worthlessness to see, realize and understand my innate worth that is the same in everyone.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that if I don’t use energy to manipulate others, that they will not want to be with me or spend time with me, instead of seeing and being my innate worth as a living, breathing being Here.

 

When and as I see myself trying to control how another thinks or feels about me, I stop, and I breathe.  I bring myself back to self-worth by reminding myself that I am not responsible for how others feel or think about me. If I took on that responsibility it would only be to validate some idea I have about myself, when I could be using the opportunity to create Who I Am , utilizing the interaction to find points that require direction, instead of wasting the opportunity by trying to control it.

 

I commit myself to wean myself off of the addiction to emotional and feeling energy.

 

I commit myself to learn and push and fight for the power of self-creation.

More self-forgiveness to come!

 

For the entire series:

 

Breaking Out of Isolation (pt 2)

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In this blog, I am forgiving myself to set myself free. I am forgiving myself for all the judgements, hidden fears and secret thoughts that have caused me to be a shy, introverted person, incapable of reaching out to others for support.

Self-Forgiveness:

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to approach others, to express myself in front of others, and to be myself when with others in a social setting.

 

When and as I am in a social setting, and I see that I am recoiling within myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the simplicity of the physical, and allow myself to just be, talk, and move, without the complications of the mind of thoughts, beliefs, judgments and self-limiting fears, within the realization that I can pass from moment to moment and let it all go in one moment, and there is nothing that can cling to me and bring me down except by my own acceptance and allowance.

 

I commit myself to push myself to daringly live in the moment, from moment to moment,

 

I commit myself to prove to myself that there is nothing to fear from others, and that what I fear only exists within me, and is mine to change.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to approach others because I worry they will be bothered by me coming up to them and drawing attention to myself.

 

When and as I am approaching another, and I get the sensation that they do not want to see me, I stop, and I breathe, I bring myself back to common sense by trying it first, before making the judgment. By ‘trying it first’ I mean: if I approach another and there is no sign that they don’t like my presence, then I can see that it is only in my mind. If, on the other hand, I see plainly that I am interrupting or coming at a bad time, that this is simply a practical point, NOT a personal point, and I can simply ask if it is a bad time for them. If/when I approach someone, and they react in impatience and annoyance, I remind myself that this is a point that they are dealing with, and has nothing to do with me and I should not take it personally.

 

I commit myself to judge in the moment, based on actual events, as to whether or not I should approach another, and if there is uncertainty, to simply ask.

 

I commit myself to breathe through the reaction of taking it personally if someone seems frustrated or annoyed, because I see that when I am annoyed or impatient with others, it is always because of something within myself, no matter how much I blame and project.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I am not worth someone spending their time on me or with me, and that there has to be some kind of ‘exchange or payment’ wherein the interaction has to be ‘deserved’ instead of shared unconditionally.

 

When and as I am going into the energetic experience of inferiority within the belief that I am not worth spending time with and have nothing to give, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth by sharing myself unconditionally, which is all I can do.

 

I commit myself to slow down during interactions, and to direct myself to, as much as possible, create mutually beneficial sharing through self-honesty.

More self-forgiveness to come!

For the entire series:

 

Breaking Out of the Isolation (part one)

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I have always been nervous and uncomfortable speaking up and reaching out to others. Going through school, jobs and life, I have often experienced myself as quiet, shy, and holding myself back from fully participating. Even on more intimate, personal levels, I find the fears and resistances towards reaching out are still existent within me. It is discouraging and saddening when one is too afraid to take the leap and initiate an interaction, because that’s when we start missing out on something that could have been; we are missing out on exploring who we are, and are throwing away our capacity as creators, never getting the chance to see what we had the potential to create as ourselves, or the journey we could have walked. In this we are, in a way, accepting and allowing a diminished version of reality, compared to one that we so easily could have enjoyed.
As time passes and we grow farther from the cradle and closer to the grave, life starts taking on a new seriousness and intensity. This cold, hard reality can lead to asking oneself some pretty substantial questions; Is being held back by fears worth not fully living? Am I prepared to look back on it all, and among all the ups and downs and experiences, feel an underlying theme of regret? Am I not brave enough to live as an equal to others and all that is Here? Will I accept and allow my own self-judgment lead me to live a life of unworthiness?
When we limit ourselves with fears, we are missing out on so much everything life has to offer. If we need support, but are too scared to open up and ask, we are condemning ourselves to isolation and solitude. What is this veil of shyness/timidity/fear really hiding? What is the value and definition we’ve placed on ourselves that is making us feel too scared to reach out to others, or to participate freely in a social interaction?
In my next blog, I will explore this point for myself by using self-forgiveness; forgiving myself unconditionally for the hidden fears, values and self-definitions that I held about myself.
For the entire series:

How to Get to Work Without Ruining Your Day

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I left off in my last blog by re-scripting my morning routine, effectively editing out any OCD behavior. I saw how it in fact not only completely sabotages my mornings, but also sabotages my relationship to myself. It does this by severely undermining my self-trust, as I have shown myself that with OCD, I can’t depend on myself because I can’t depend on whether or not my own actions will be congruent with my intentions.

Also, the fact that I accept and allow myself to fall into compulsions in the morning causes me stress and anxiety, due to the fear of being late for work, which fuels and perpetuates the disorder throughout the day. This ‘starting the day out on a bad foot’ creates a nearly impossible foundation for me to walk throughout my day with the vigilance and discipline I require to manage OCD, which I require to do throughout the day and into the evening.

With this re-scripting, I have seen my anxiety levels decrease in normal and uneventful situations. This is why I am continuing on here, where I have done my morning routine, and I am now heading out the door and catching the bus to the metro. In future blogs I will do them same for stressful events and circumstances that arise, but first I have to start with a platform of stability:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to steal little moments of time from myself, when I see that I’m not ‘late’ yet, and using these stolen moments to go into OCD knowing that I don’t yet have control over it and that I will almost inevitably take too much time, which accumulates into me ending up leaving my house only minutes before the bus arrives, causing me to have to run and worry that I won’t catch it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I have nothing to do with spare time in the morning, because it’s not enough time to do anything constructive, wherein I become stressed by the idea of spare time, because in the morning, that means time alone with me, and time alone with me is difficult when I’m not preoccupied and distracted because in those moments I feel the intense urges of OCD coming forward and beginning to react in my body.

When and as I see that I have little spare moments of time, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that I do have better uses for that time, and that it is in fact precious time. I direct myself to walk through my morning tasks until they are done, unaffected by the possibility that I may end up with extra time, and if that time does, I direct myself to find a better use for it, such as spending more time saying goodbye to my partner or walking more slowly to the bus to be able to enjoy the day, for example.

I commit myself to push myself to stop wasting precious time on OCD, and to instead invest into myself, using that time to add value to myself and my life, instead of taking value away.

I commit myself to continue to breathe through the suppressions coming to the fore, instead of pushing them back down and distracting myself, so that I may walk through my tasks uninterrupted by OCD, even if it feels bad/uncomfortable, I know it will subside/go away eventually.

I commit myself to say longer goodbye’s to my partner, and to walk slowly to the bus when I have extra time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel triumphant when I catch the bus when I’m late, as if I had won a race or beat the odds, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I had already lost the moment I left the house, because I had missed moments I could have spent with myself, preparing myself to effectively handle myself throughout the day.

When and as I am running for the bus when I am late, I stop within myself, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by reminding myself that it is not in fact me that is moving myself and feeling triumphant, but rather the stress energy that I had accumulated during the morning as I create a situation where I am late. If I in fact have to run, I run as self-movement, with and as breath, with no extra ‘motivating factors’ coming from my mind, feeding the OCD cycles.

I commit myself to continue to remind myself to remain stable within myself, no longer utilizing the self-created stress-inducing scenarios to feed and perpetuate OCD within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become uneasy around the passengers on the bus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that all the passengers on the bus are looking at me and judging me in some way, causing me to become self-conscious which makes my skin crawl, causing me to feel dirty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that the passengers on the bus are looking at me the way I look at myself, when I look at myself through OCD/dermatillomania, close up and looking for imperfections, narrowing in on every flaw and going into judgment/repulsion due to my mind creating the ideas that my skin is dirty even when it is not.

When and as I see that I am sitting on the bus and I begin to feel my skin crawl, and I start feeling generally dirty due to the presence of others, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by using common sense to determine that I am completely the same as I was when I left my house, when I at the gym, and when I’m with my partner, and these are all moments/situations where I feel normal. I bring myself back to normalcy through breathing through the thoughts/sensations that I am unclean and remind myself that it is not real, but a self-created sensation in my mind, therefor I can change it and choose to feel differently.

I commit myself to stop myself from feeling dirty and unclean by constantly and continuously stopping, breathing, using common sense to remind myself that the feelings are not real, and releasing/letting go of the thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to observe the other passengers and to judge them, because this creates a fear of judgment in myself, as I wouldn’t want someone else to look at me and judge me the way I know I am looking at and judging others.

When and as I see that I am judging others on the bus, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by reminding myself that the only judgment is self-judgment, which means I see something of myself in those that I am judging, and so long as I judge, I will be judged, because I am judging me instead of changing me. I bring forth self-acceptance by letting the judgments go, and embracing the presence of those that I see around me, placing myself in their shoes, and seeing within self-honesty, that which I am judging in myself.

To be continued….