Anxiety Series – Dermatillomania: Anxiety Dimension Solution (part five)

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My life had become ruled by anxiety. I had even developed an anxiety disorder called dermatillomania. This blog is focused on ‘picking apart’ and dismantling this disorder, instead of doing so to my skin. I am doing this so that I can restructure and put myself back together in a way that I can accept, because I cannot to continue to accept this disorder in my life.

In my last blog series I walked the process of deconstructing anxiety reactions to see what exactly causes them and how one can firstly, direct oneself to walk through them in a way where one won’t feed into and perpetuate them; and secondly, avoid triggering them at all. I have proven to myself too many times already, that I can’t simply stop my compulsive skin picking and other OCD tendencies. I am now working on making the internal and external changes necessary to create the environment in which change will be possible.

For practicality, in my last blogs, I listed five examples of every-day situations that trigger anxiety in my own life. As a side note, in doing this, I actually got to know myself and who I am within the anxiety, and how I can handle its onset. The process I have walked in my last few blogs has been a very interesting, and I have been successfully practicing what I’ve taught myself for several weeks now (in terms of preventing or walking through the anxiety where it would have normally taken over). I’ve observed quite a significant change in my experience of anxiety, as well as the frequency of anxiety attacks. The biggest difference has been at my job, where my overall stress level had been reduced. I highly suggest checking out my other blogs in this anxiety series in order to apply the same process in your own life.

Here is where I left off in my last blog: “The best solution is to keep practicing being able to recognize the moment anxiety first starts, because that is where it can be stopped. The goal is to prevent the reactions from taking place at all. This requires a slowing down within self, and a self-awareness perhaps not previously developed. I will work on these aspects over the next weeks, by studying my examples of ‘anxiety-triggering situations’ I wrote about in my last blog. I will ‘study’ them by walking through them one by one, doing self-forgiveness on all the points so that I reveal to myself any hidden self-sabotage and to see what exactly is going on that leads me to create an anxiety reaction within myself.”

I have been going to the gym for the past year or so. What I noticed at first was minimal to no upper-body strength. After a year of working out with weights, swimming and boxing, I have noticed visible musculature and a slight but noticeable increase in strength. It has been awesome to see something develop from virtually nothing. The muscles were not there before, and now they are. It’s as simple as that: they are new, I created them. When they are tiny and not very strong, even the lightest weights make me tremble with effort after a couple of reps. But I know that if I simply continue to apply myself they will inevitably grow. I am mentioning this because it’s the same with developing self-awareness. I personally develop self-awareness through self-forgiveness, because it is very effective at peeling back the layers of the mind to reveal what is under the anxiety, what is causing it, what thoughts are creating it, and what reaction to those thoughts are fueling it. It is like seeing the ‘worst’ of yourself while in a gentle and supportive embrace.

Warning: I’m about to go into some self-forgiveness statements. They may seem repetitive and detailed… but I continue to apply it because, like the muscles, self-forgiveness has assisted me to develop self-awareness where once there was none. I am becoming able to, in the moment of reaction, identify where the reaction came from, why it came up, and how to walk myself out of it. I’m not always successful, and sometimes I’m too late, but like my muscles, I know that if I keep practicing and applying myself, I will become more effective and will eventually be able to let go of the anxiety point once and for all, because it will no longer be an issue in my life.

Here is the first example of where anxiety is often triggered in my life:

Example 1) Anxiety + Overwhelming-ness

            My first example is in relation to food preparation. It starts when I begin to think about organizing meals and food for the next day or couple of days, or as I begin cooking. It’s a simple task that I think I could actually enjoy, if I didn’t become bombarded with thoughts that become overwhelming.”

I will let you know in advance that in the below self-forgiveness, I revealed to myself that I held an old belief that a ‘good woman’ is defined by her ability to cook. I had no idea I held this belief, nor any idea of the pressure I placed on myself due to it. I also found out that I compare myself to all the women who have ever impressed me with their cooking abilities; women that had been cooking all their lives – an unfair comparison as I had only learned later in life, and I therefore lacked much practice and practical experience. I found this very interesting, and I can see how the anxiety blows my reactions to it out of proportion. I also found out a lot of simple, practical things I can change, like not taking on too much, organizing myself before I begin to cook, keeping a clean workspace, as well as making a plan ahead of time and sticking to it.

Read the self-forgiveness on the example below to see how I found this out, and what I plan to do to instead cook for the simple enjoyment of it, no pressure, no judgment, just my hands working with food in gratefulness of the sustenance being provided. After the self-forgiveness, read on to see how this is related to the perpetuation of dermatillomania.

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious when I start to cook.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing starting to prepare food to be a trigger point existent within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anxiety and anxiety attacks to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to rush the process of cooking food to ‘get it over with’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within this ‘rushed’ energy, begin to cook immediately and figure it out as I go, instead of taking a moment before I’ve started to plan how I will be proceeding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and attempt to cook something when I haven’t left myself enough time, instead of seeing what I have frozen or if there is anything around that is quick to prepare.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider cooking when I plan my time, viewing it as something I can quickly get over with in a rush, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that food preparation takes time, and quite a lot of planning before-hand,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that organizing daily food preparation into my life is difficult and impossible, instead of seeing that every time I push myself to do it, I learn a little, and become more effective and organized over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take out all the ingredients and try to start everything at once in the aim of saving time and going faster, without realizing that I create a messy and chaotic environment, reflecting my messy and chaotic mind when I follow through with this pattern of becoming rushed and then trying to do everything all at once and as fast as possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend more time thinking about the outcome of my labour than time spent planning it in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an expectation about what others will think when they taste the food I prepare, and to, within this, develop a desire for positive feedback, in order to obtain validation that I believe I require, because of the idea that ‘a good woman knows how to cook.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base any part of my value and worth as a female upon my ability to cook food, or my lack thereof.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that a ‘good woman’ can cook well, and to think about all the women I know who can cook well, and make things I cannot make,  thus placing pressure on myself to prove that I am a ‘good woman’ too, by trying and attempting to make amazing things when I don’t yet have the know-how, which is setting myself up for failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set myself up for failure and then judge myself as having ‘failed as a woman’ when I inevitably make a mistake.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself away from the actual cooking by thinking about the potential positive and negative reactions to my food – thus preoccupying my mind and not focusing on what I’m doing, distracting myself with the thoughts instead of realizing that it only takes one wrong ingredient or one wrong move to ruin a meal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within the desire to avoid a negative reaction, begin feeling upset and defeated when one part of the meal or another doesn’t turn out as I had imagined, creating pressure, blame and self –defeat when I’ve let something cook too long, or when I’ve made a mistake.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up anxious energy while I am cooking, wherein pressure is place on the reaction to my cooking, and I end up taking the reaction personally, whether good or bad, because I had built up energy which now needs to be released in a feeling (good) or emotional (bad) experience by which I would then define myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place pressure on to the reaction of others to my cooking, due to me having participating in thoughts, feelings, emotions and imaginations within and throughout the cooking process.

When and as I see that I am about to cook, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself out of my mind and back into my physical body in the present moment, here, by giving myself a moment to organize, check for ingredients, plan the process and proceed one step at a time.

When and as I see that I am starting to go into a rushed and chaotic experience while cooking, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the pace of the physical, slow and steady, by taking a step back to look at my environment, ensuring I do not have too many items out or too many things going on at the same time, tidying where necessary, and assessing the most efficient way to proceed based on the requirements of what I have going on.

When and as I see that I am going into the ‘pleasing’ character while cooking, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself into the lightness of the moment by taking off the pressure of cooking from the starting point of pleasing, and replacing it with the starting point of cooking for the mere fact that I enjoy cooking, experimenting with food, and learning from my mistakes.

When and as I see that I am searching for validation through cooking well, I stop, and I breathe.  I bring myself back to self-worth by reminding myself that my value is not in my ability to cook, but in the time and care that I invest in myself, creating my self-value, by, for example, cooking within and as self-enjoyment, open-minded learning, self-evolution within organization and pre-planning, thus creating myself as someone that can cook well because I have walked a process of trial and error, planning and organization, and practice over time.

I commit myself to learn to simply enjoy cooking, in all its aspects and everything it entails.

I commit myself to embrace myself within the mistakes I make, and to learn from them.

I commit myself to put in the time to plan and organize meals, to cook around discounts at the grocery store, and to cook for my health/body, allowing for pleasure as well.

I commit myself to cook for fun, because it’s a necessity, so I might as well have fun doing it!

This above example relates to dermatillomania, because the condition is not necessarily a complete focus on the skin. It is a symptom of an anxiety disorder. Anxiety is created throughout the day and carried around within the mind and body, It builds up and from time to time, reaches a tipping point where it needs to be released. Often when I get anxious it feels like a discomfort within me, and it becomes very uncomfortable like an itch that, when left unscratched, becomes the overwhelming focus and then an obsession and compulsion until the energy is released and dissipated. I rarely look at what throughout the day created the anxiety, things of varying degrees that I didn’t face in the moment, but instead suppressed.

Usually when I do take the time to investigate, I find self-defeating thoughts which make me feel bad, lonely, isolated, hopeless etc…  which are soothed either by the endorphins released by the pain of picking or the complete focus on the skin and it’s imperfections, rather than the thoughts that are creating the pain and discomfort.

All of these thoughts are connected to energies expressed as feelings and emotions, which we then believe is who we are, but it’s not true. We have the choice to turn any self-defeating situation into a moment of self-empowerment. The thoughts that pop into our heads are just robotic programs that we’ve programmed into and as ourselves over a lifetime of believing ourselves to be the energies (feeling and emotions) we are able to create in our minds. We simply need to invest the time and care into ourselves to re-program how we think and act and do. This is effective, I have already proven it to myself. Like going to the gym – it’s just a matter of time before the results become real, visible and measurable!

 

Dermatillomania and Self-Sabotage: How to Stop It

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In my last blog, I wrote out some self-forgiveness statements in order to clarify the experience I was having with regards to trying to lay out plans to support myself to stop picking my skin. I have become comfortable and familiar with accepting and allowing myself sabotage myself in my life, especially with derma. I sabotage life events and occasions by picking my skin, and I sabotage attempts to try to stop picking my skin. Self-sabotage has become the norm.

 

When I found a solution for myself in my previous blog, it really struck me how difficult it was to continuously push myself to implement the solution in my life. The solution was to script out a detailed plan for myself for moments where I could see I would be averse to fall into a picking session. The bizarre experience I had was actually feeling resistant and even threatened by this solution. I am saying this as if it were immediately obvious and clear that this is what was going on inside of myself and in my head, but at the time, it was just a sensation. For example, I would think to myself: I should make a plan right now because I’m feeling the urge to pick growing inside of me and I know I’m going to be extremely susceptible to caving in. Then I would immediately feel like I don’t want to make a plan and that I would instead rather to just follow through with submitting to derma once again.

I took it upon myself to investigate exactly what these internal emotional and feeling experiences were that were ‘stopping’ me from simply doing what I had directed myself to do, instead of just going with the sensations and falling again. I used the tool of self-forgiveness in my last blog to expose the internal working of my mind and put it on paper. I copied each one of the self-forgiveness statements into this blog and wrote self-corrective application and self-commitment statements to accompany them as a way to ‘arm’ myself for when this experience happens again.

 

Knowledge is power, but knowledge and information without practical application is useless. The first step is to understand the reasons behind the feelings, and the next step is to lay out a plan for self for how to walk through this hurdle the next time it comes up. So far, for derma sufferers, derma has been the ‘default mode’ of how to deal with life. I think it would be quite impossible to be able to stop without any back up plan or system of self-support laid out for self as a foundation for a new way of living. The mind doesn’t really work that way, at least not for me in my process. When I ‘leave it up to my mind’ to ‘sort it out’ I always go back to derma. It is as if this is all my mind knows how to do. How can I expect myself to stop and change without my input, my instructions and my directions that I figured out when I was in a clear and effective head space?

 

When I fall into derma, I am not thinking in an effective way. I am in quite a delusional state, a cloudy and ineffective state-of-mind. Without the support I can give myself from a good headspace, I really have nothing to grab onto and ground myself with, so the following blog is where I give myself just that.

I have done the self-forgiveness on the point of sabotaging myself with regards to presenting myself with a solution. This involves slowing down the experience so that I can really look at and investigate what’s really going on within myself and my mind. And then within taking each statement separately and scripting out what’s called a self-corrective statement, I give myself a ‘plan B’ to grab onto and ground myself with. After that, I write at least one self-commitment where I state in writing what I truly want for myself, intend for myself, and endeavor to create and be for myself.

As follows:

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an adverse reaction to making myself a plan for the day so that I can support myself to do something OTHER than pick my skin.”

 

When and as I see that I am having a reaction to making a plan for myself I stop, and I breathe. I bring through the realization that I am currently starting a habit that is entirely new and is thus not part of my ‘default-programming’ that I would normally easily fall into. On top of this fact, I realize and understand that I am also within this confronting dermatillomania, which adds another level of resistance and self-sabotage. So I bring myself Here into a stance of taking directive principle to push myself to at the very least, at this stage, plan my next steps so as not to leave time and space for derma.

 

I commit myself to remain gentle and patient with myself, yet consistent in my application of plan making, because I know it is a rocky road to walk toward implementing new habits into one’s life, especially if they threaten the comfort and security already developed within self through sometimes destructive habits like derma.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to make a plan for my day because I feel it is ‘boring’ and ‘constrictive’ and it makes me feel ‘trapped’ like ‘I can’t move’ or have ‘no freedom’.”

 

When and as I see that I am feeling ‘trapped’ and like I have ‘no freedom’ due to pushing myself to making a plan and sticking to it instead of picking my skin, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that I actually become un-trapped and freer when I push myself to walk through and out of derma by applying solutions in my life. I bring myself back into awareness by reminding myself that it is derma that is trapping me and taking away my freedom, and not the other way around, so the experience is not real, it is only in my mind and it will dissipate and when I see the plan through, I will have breathed life into my healing, my beingness, and not into the disorder.

 

I commit myself to make plans throughout the day and push through the deceptive reactions of feeling ‘trapped’ and ‘no freedom’ and so proving to myself that these reactions are not real and thus cannot contain me and my movement and my ‘Who I Am’.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest the energetic experiences of ‘boredom’ (which is generally avoidance), ‘constriction’, ‘trapped’ and ‘loss of freedom’ in connection to the thought of making a self-supportive plan to help me avoid a picking session.”

 

When and as I see that I am avoiding moving myself to walk a solution by distracting myself with unpleasant reactions, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to physical reality by reminding myself that what’s ‘boring’ and ‘constrictive’ is being alone and picking my skin, and then isolating myself so as not to have to face the damage or others in my world. What’s incredibly exciting is the prospect that I have a choice in this matter, I have the potential to stop and change and experience life without derma, to be able to freely express myself without the heavy burdens of the disorder.

 

I commit myself to slice through the distractions like a laser, and to use the focus and direction that I have and am developing to make a plan, and then see it through.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ‘constricted’ and ‘trapped’ when and as I would make a set plan for myself for a period of time because I think/believe/perceive that if I stick to that plan there will be no time for me to ‘do what I want’.“

 

When and as I see that I am reacting to making a plan because I think that it prevents me from being able to do ‘whatever I want’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-parenting by stepping up and being mature within the understanding that I know what’s best for me, and that I am the one that needs to ‘lay down the law’ and be self-responsible in these moments, because there is no reason for an internal temper tantrum, I know exactly why I’m doing this for myself, and I will be thankful I did it in the end. I remind myself that every time I fall and give in to the derma urge, I feel a million times worse than I would have felt when pushing through the feelings of ‘not getting what I want’, ‘trapped’, and ‘constricted’. (To read more about the concept of self-parenting, read my short blog post Here) .

 

I commit myself to walk the process of developing self-discipline by stepping up and parenting my ‘inner child’ because I know that the consequences of not doing so will be worse than facing the tantrum. And if I walk the self-supportive plans I make myself I will empower myself to free myself little-by-little from dermatillomania.
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that making a plan prevents me from “doing what I want,” when I can see clearly that “doing what I want” means picking my skin because I subconsciously want to repeat the pattern and live out the compulsions because I think I need to satisfy the urge, within this I see, realize and understand that I subconsciously fear having a plan because I see it as a threat to my picking sessions, and if I don’t get my picking sessions, I will feel horrible.”

When and as I see that I’m reacting towards not being able to participate in dermatillomania because I think I ’want’ to do it or ‘need’ to do it, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that the feeling is just an energy, one that I have become addicted to, and that I feel uncomfortable without. I remind myself that with any habit or addiction, it will not feel great to stop, but that that is in no way an indicator of what I truly want or don’t want for myself. I want to be free of this disorder, therefore I will go through the withdrawal.

I commit myself to trust my personal self-direction, and that I am doing what’s best for me, and that I am basing my decisions on practical reality and not of feelings and emotions, fears and addiction.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that being free to pick my skin is the same as being free to ‘do what I want’.”

When and as I feel that I ‘want’ to pick my skin, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to physical reality by reminding myself that picking my skin is something that seems ‘comfortable’, ‘safe’, ‘easy’ and generally good only because I have grown accustomed to it, I have fallen into it in unawareness and it is what is familiar and safe for me. What is not familiar and safe is stopping and facing all the things I have been using picking to suppress; is directing myself to not pick but instead to for example exercise or tidy or leave the house. These things seem cold and uncomfortable and scary because I am creating new habits and I have no blue print within myself for how I should feel and what exactly I should do and how I need to organize myself and my time to go about making it happen.

I commit myself to cease the addiction that makes me believe I ‘want’ this disorder in my life, by creating something new to support myself with- new habits, new tools, new approaches to life that don’t harm me, but support me to grow and achieve my full potential.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to pick my skin within the thought/perception/belief that I won’t ever feel better and I will feel intensely uncomfortable forever if I don’t get to pick.”

When and as I see that I am going into fear at the thought of not being able to pick because I believe that ‘something bad is going to happen’/’I won’t ever feel better’/’I will feel intensely uncomfortable forever’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into myself by breathing in the realization that I will in fact be okay, that the energy will dissipate and I will remain unharmed after it’s gone, unlike if I submit, in which case I will remain however I will be harmed.

I commit myself to repeat to myself and repeat to myself until it is living words within and as me: I will be ok, it won’t last forever, and the feelings will dissipate.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel an intense fear when I think I’m not going to be able to pick because I feel like I am losing/denying a piece of myself.”

When and as I see that the thought of not submitting to the urge to pick is causing an intense reaction of fear within and as me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to stability by reminding myself that I have a disorder that I have created into and as a separate entity within and as me, and that this entity will in fact ‘die’ in the sense of no longer existing, however that entity is a part of myself that is not dying, but simply changing into something that supports me instead of diminishing me. I as it will consist of life as self-direction instead of limitation as suppression.

I commit myself to realize that it’s okay to let this energy go and change and no longer exist within and as me. I am reprogramming my experience in my living flesh. The current self-experience is dying, I am extinguishing it, but my living flesh remains and I endeavor to inhabit it within and as it as equal and one within and as a relationship of love, acceptance and support. (Click Here to read my post about the Fear or Not having OCD).

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify so much with dermatillomania that I have begun to believe it is part of Who I Am and a part of me that I couldn’t survive without.”

When and as I see that I am reacting within a ‘fear of survival’ mode in relation to stopping derma, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-empowerment by pushing myself to kill dermatillomania, to be angry and to take the life from this disorder, and to free myself to live as Who I Am and not survive in a limited state of self-identification as a harmful, repetitive, cyclical and inescapable disorder that does absolutely nothing of any good for me.

I commit myself to be and become the creator of myself, to become my own living creation instead of the created consequential outflow of a disorder that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me for most of my life.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I would die without derma, and to translate this subconscious thought/perception/belief into extreme fear and anxiety on a conscious mind level which seems undefinable and inescapable whenever it comes up.”

 

When and as I see that I am feeling some undefinable unpleasant experiences that feel inescapable, instead of following it through to a state of panic and anxiety, I stop, and breathe. I bring myself into self-awareness by looking at my reality and asking myself whether I am safe, whether I have a plan, and whether I will survive and actually LIVE to see a moment where I will feel okay again, and I move myself to take the appropriate practical physical steps to ensure that the answers to all these questions is a YES. I am not going to die, derma is going to die.

I commit myself to self-investigate the thoughts/feelings/emotions/reactions which come up within me, so that I can free myself from being a slave to these experiences, and to instead understand them and behave accordingly in a way that support my recovery and full-potentiated living.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel suffocated when I make a plan that doesn’t involve derma, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the acquiescence of myself to this disorder to breath itself, as if without it, I couldn’t breathe.”

When and as I am feeling as though I can’t breathe because I am reacting not to being able to freely pick at my skin, I stop, and I BREATHE. I breathe and I show myself that it is ME that is breathing, not the disorder within.as me. I bring myself back to breath by showing myself that I am the one that breathes, that walks, that directs and that decides, simply by showing myself that if I want to take a breath then the disorder has absolutely no power or control over me to stop me from doing so. This proves that the disorder is not bigger or more powerful than I am as the living being. It depends on ME, it depends on my existence and MY acceptance and allowance for it to exist, and in this, I am the boss and the one who decides. I am not the helpless victim; I am instead the one with the power.

I commit myself to constantly and continuously show myself that I am the force that is existent within and as myself, by proving to myself that I can take a breath whenever I want, which means that I can direct myself to do anything in this physical reality, and that dermatillomania actually has no REAL power or control over me, only what I have accepted and allowed.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate breathing and freedom to derma instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have it exactly backwards, wherein this disorder is controlling me, suffocating my natural expression, and it has me trapped like a prisoner in my own body.”

When and as I see myself thinking that ‘I am free and I can breathe’ when I can pick, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to reality by reminding myself that I can breathe at any time, and that my freedom is within me taking self-responsibility and self-direction as self-control. That I am not in fact the one that is a prisoner in my body, but derma is. I can live and express and connect out in the world, but derma is confined to me, within me. It is my unfortunate creation and I am it’s god that decides whether it will exist or not.

I commit myself to realize my own power, my own self-directive principle that I can walk a process of learning how to create with, and thus become the self-creator and self-creation of something great, just as ever other human being has the potential to do.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by adversely reacting to making a plan because in reality I subconsciously want to continue to pick because I have lead myself to (subconsciously) believe that if I don’t pick I will suffocate and die, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place this disorder as more important and more vital than myself and my real life and my real breathing and Who I Really Am.”

When and as I see that I am sabotaging myself by reacting adversely to the support I am laying out for myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-movement, self-will, and self-discipline by reminding myself that the mind is capable of the deception as  smoke and mirrors wherein I can convince myself that I don’t want to heal, and that I do want to pick, or that derma is more important and vital than myself, my real life, my real breathing, and Who I Really AM.

I commit myself to show myself the disillusionment of the mind that I have thus far lived and made real, and to walk with myself patiently until I correct myself and my thinking by aligning myself and my thinking with common sense, self-understanding, and a one and equal relationship.

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Correcting Obsessive Endless Tasks

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Within this blog I am writing out the corrective statements and self-commitments that will assist and support me to understand and change my behavior. Each set of commitments and corrections is related to a self-forgiveness statement from this blog.

In yesterday’s blog I was peeling back the layers of legitimate craziness that leads me to perpetually repeat behaviours when I am working on tasks. I realized that I feel like I can never ever ever ever stop because I never ‘feel’ like the task is complete, meaning I have based the completion of a task upon the ‘experience’ of completion, and not actual completion.

So, it makes sense to me now, if I were to do something once, and not get that feeling, then I’d do it again, then again, and if I finally get the feeling on the seventh time, well, then I will do the behaviour exactly seven times the next time, because that is now the magic number; that s the number of times it takes till it ‘feels’ completed.

Herein, I am basically working though this delusion, and showing myself that I should only base actions on physical reality, otherwise I will remain a slave to the pursuit of this ‘feeling’ of completion or doneness, which I don’t even create in awareness- so sometimes I don’t achieve this feeling state, no matter how hard I work on something, so that when I stop working due to exhaustion or frustration, I end up feeling like I have ‘given up’ or ‘failed’; as if I had left something ‘unfinished,’ wherein it would feel like this loose end that creates anxiety and fear within me, because now it is unpredictable- because I haven’t dealt with it properly: it is UNFINISHED. So, herewith the correction:

 

I commit myself to give myself a moment to define the tasks that I decide to take on during my day and in my life, wherein I do a quick run through of what exactly will be involved, how I should reasonably prepare, and at which point I will stop.

 

When and as I see that I am cycling within a task, repeating behaviours and waiting for the ‘queue’ of the ‘feeling’ ‘experience’ of doneness, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back down to practical reality by taking a step back, both within myself and by literally stepping away from the task, and I take a self-honest look at where I am actually at within the task. I remind myself that I am not at this point a reliable indicator of the completion of tasks, so I must instead use physical queues as to the completeness or actual doneness of the task.

 

I commit myself to take back my directive decision-making ability through, pushing myself to, within each task, decide where the endpoint is, and trust myself that the decision is sound, and then breathe through the anxiety/fear that the task not complete because I don’t feel that is is complete, and in this, I commit myself to look to physical reality as my reference to the completion of tasks, within the realization that physical reality will always show what the next step is, and what is really done/not done.

 

 

 

When and as I see that a task is taking longer than it practically should because I am unable to make the decision to stop due to fear/anxiety connected to the idea of stopping, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the directive principle of myself by simply tearing myself away, just like a bandaid, quick and painful, and I breathe through the reactions as I keep moving, on to the next thing that requires my attention or that I have decided to do, or simply moving myself to do something practical and physical such as doing the dishes, while I go through the ‘withdrawal’ of not feeding my mind with the cyclical and repetitive behavior that creates the energetic experience of absolute ‘locked in’ possession-state I go into.

 

 

 

I commit myself to complete tasks in awareness, and in pushing myself to constantly return to the simplicity of breathing, wherein I can distinguish between the experience of doneness/completion, and actual doneness/completion.

 

I commit myself to realize that if I stop a task before I attain the experience of doneness or completion, that I am not a quitter or a failure, because the experience of completion or doneness was only ever in my mind and not in my control and not based in reality and thus not real.

 

When and as I see that I am becoming exhausted or feel like I’m quitting a task before it’s done, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-acceptance within the realization that the feeling is just a feeling I have programmed within and as me based on past memories and experiences, and that it is no basis from which to create myself relationship, and that me making the directive decision to stop a task based on physical queues, that I am actually practicing the greatest self-care in that moment because I am not pushing myself to exhaustion and I am not judging myself as a failure or a quitter.

 

I commit myself to see and realize that not completing a task is not a ‘deal breaker’ in terms of the order present in my life, and that if I do not complete a task, that I can simply pick it up again later.

 

I commit myself to pick up tasks that I hadn’t completed, and to see them through in order to work on and develop a self-trust that I can depend on.

 

When and as I see that I am going into fear and self-judgment of what others will think of me/how others will see me if the y knew the disorder and chaos I exist within and as due to never being able to complete tasks due to never attaining the experience of completion, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to reality by reminding myself that it is not others, but my own self-judgment that I am fearing, and that the chaos and dis-order I’m imagining is not necessarily even there. And if it is, then there is nothing stopping me from taking practical steps to correct the situation, and bring back in order.

 

There were three more self-forgiveness statements which I will use to derive self-commitments and self-corrections from in my next blog…