I made this video when I observed myself going into a ‘downward spiral’. These are some of the physical applications I used to support myself to stop myself from falling hard. Interestingly, I have found a strong correlation between my picking cycles and my menstrual cycles. It’s almost like the intensity of emotions I experience on a daily basis are intensified as I get closer and closer to my period, and then dissipates after it’s done.
While it’s happening, it feels endless. I fight with all my might for days on end, feeling like I am getting nowhere. This particular crash lasted for about 1.5 – 2 weeks, where it felt like I couldn’t move, was ‘stuck in the mud’ and even basic daily tasks like showering, keeping myself presentable and brushing my teeth every night felt like herculean tasks. Not to mention all of my daily responsibilities that I need to completely self-motivate myself to do.
Needless to say, I began dropping and falling behind on projects, creating this overwhelming experience as if life was charging forward and I was just hanging desperately on it’s coattails, trying not to be left behind under a mountain of responsibilities that had been left un-attended. I realized that life will not in fact wait for me. I realize that I felt like I was fighting for my life, but that I could in fact fight harder, doing a little bit each day KNOWING that I will get out of this, knowing that if I do a little everyday, it will lessen the emotional experiences I create within myself in relation to ‘keeping up with life’ while I’m crashing.
These are the lessons I am taking forward with me now: keep fighting and pushing even when it feels impossible and endless. Push myself every day do at least do one little thing to keep the forward momentum. Do not beat myself up, EVER. Do not give up, EVER.
Now that I am coming out of it, with the emotions feeling a little less intense, I have to deal with the aftermath. Normally, I would now go into overdrive in a try and an attempt to ‘catch up’ with my life, not seeing realizing and understanding that I create the movement of my life, and sometimes it is waaaay slowed down while I manage my disorder. Now, instead of going into overdrive which inevitably leads me to another crash, I am stepping in, in awareness, to create a pace of life that is sustainable.
So today, starting over once again. Dealing with my consequences, picking up things where I left off. Getting into a rhythm to is supportive for me, taking care of myself first. Disorder management is always a part of my life at the moment, so I am not going to fight it, I am going to work WITH it to create the best, most supportive and constructive life and pace for myself to be able to function within.