After having my eyes opened with regards to the Frankenstein creation I had become (found in my last blog ‘Un-Embracable Me’ https://dermatillomaniaforgiveness.com/2020/03/31/un-embracable-me/), I had to/have to go through somewhat of a death process, as that Frankenstein was a part of me I have been living as, and so deeply identify with. From here, where one does not actually die, one has to decide to either continue on the same path of self-diminishment, or to take a stand and become something new, something better.
The eye-opening ‘death process’ was triggered by one word, ’embrace’. Yet in reflecting back I could identify so many moments over the months where I would get glimpses of myself and my consequence which culminated into the painful realization of what I had done to myself. Like eyes slowly being opened.
The mistake I made due to the intensity of the experience was to go into an ‘absoluteness’ about it, where the expression “don’t throw the baby out with the bath water” hit me hard, as my friend explained to me that I had the habit of “taking the flowers out with the weeds”. Where with the subtlest self-spite, I generalized the experience to All of Me, thinking and believing there was nothing ‘good’, nothing of any value worth preserving.
In the process of embracing myself despite the pain, despite the mistakes, and the sef-compromise, what slowly emerged was qualities and parts of me that were cool, times when I had fought for myself, picked myself up, started over, and chosen differently – showing me the value of these moments, even if they didn’t fully work out at the time or were full of mistakes. They were showing me that I hadn’t abandoned myself completely, and that there is a way forward where, instead of changing myself for the sake of chasing things like acceptance and love, changing in ways that I can be proud of, that honour my integrity, self-respect, self-acceptance and self-love.
From here I started modifying my days a bit, where I will wake up a little earlier than usual in order to give myself more time. This opens up more time and space in my day to bring in new activities. Because when a took a step back to re-assess, I saw that my life had been reduced to mostly work and daily responsibilities like cooking and cleaning, where even those things were done in a very basic and preoccupied way. Where my ‘time for me’ was also reduced to 30 minute rests where I would basically pull myself together to go back into a monotonous daily grind – where my interaction with those in my world was also diminished and I was not accessing the best of me.
I realized filling my time with new ways of being doesn’t have to be big grandiose movements at first. One can rather start quite small. I started with planting some garlic cloves that had sprouted – something I had thought about but never acted on. I put some time into cooking, and gave myself space to do some reading and writing. I started an outdoor project of building a fire pit, and have committed to push creating more projects that I can invest time into, realizing that physical work and activity is important in my life to balance out all the computer work.
It is important to remember here that it’s not what I am doing, but Who I Am within it. Am I slowing down, taking care, being Fully present in my environment, making deliberate actions? Where, my self-discovery process is not dependent on external activities, because as we have all recently seen with the coronavirus, that can easily be taken away. So, we can’t have ‘Who We Are’ be dependent on ‘what we do’. But I will continue to use my environment to the fullest to support me, otherwise it also becomes an unnecessary self-limitation. A friend of mine once said: if you don’t use what you have right now to it’s fullest, why would Life give you more?
In terms of my human interaction; this is an on going process, and opens up how I am now looking at the word ‘Intimacy’, which I will continue with in blogs to come.