The Buddy System, Does it Work?

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I recently spoke to a life-coach friend of mine regarding ways to tackle stopping OCD. She asked me to describe the experience of what I call an ‘OCD possession’ in detail. As I described it, we together realized that there is always a trigger, or a source to why the compulsion seems to ‘take over’ me entirely. We arranged it so that I would reach out to her, either online or phone call, when I feel an OCD possession coming on. So I tried it, and I must admit, it was very difficult to do at first.

The first point I faced were the excuses my mind would throw at me in the moments before I would call her. I would feel the OCD possession coming on, and I would think about calling her, and my mind would come up with so many reasons why I should not call. The excuses looked like this: ‘she is too busy to receive a call from me’, or ‘this is silly, I can do this without her’ (I couldn’t), and so on.

I forced myself to reach out to her on Viber. I told her I was having urges to pick my skin. We looked behind the urges, and it turned out that I was anxious about going to meet with a group of people. I was anticipating all the judgments they would think about me because of my skin. My friend suggested this is a form of projected self-judgment, wherein I was taking my own self-judgement and projecting it in to the future, and ‘attaching’ it to my ideas of others and how I was guessing others would look at me (the same way I look at myself: in extreme judgment for what I do to myself).

It turns out that I judge myself more harshly than anybody, and I create in my mind this harsh world ‘out there’ that is painful to live and function in. But the reality is that I have created this within myself, and then projected it on to the world.

Yes, it’s true that, from time to time, I have received harsh judgment from others. But when I actually experience that judgment, it is not usually as bad as it is in my mind. Judgment from others does happen, and I will look at this in another blog. But for now, I have realized that the greatest, harshest, judgment I endure actually comes from within me, and this is great news!

Why is this great news? Because of the power of self-forgiveness. Returning back now to the scenario where my life-coach friend and I found the source of my anxiety as I was feeling the compulsion to pick my skin before going out to meet a group of friends – the moment she suggested I was projecting my self-judgment on to my friends, I began to forgive myself (I will post the self-forgiveness below). As I forgave myself, the pressure and anxiety went away, and I could move myself.

In the next blog, I will describe the second resistance I faced, how I walked through it, and the outcome of the scenario that was VERY different than how things usually play out!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing a group of people with imperfect skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement I may receive from people regarding the blemishes on my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the secret thoughts that others may have about me because it is apparent that I pick my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thoughts I think others may be having lead me to fall into an ocd possession and actually end up picking my skin/picking my skin more, thus manifesting that which I am actually fearing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thoughts I think others are having, affect Who and How I am within myself, and how I experience myself, instead of ME deciding who and How I am, and directing how I experience myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own self-judgment about Who and How I am within OCD onto others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for picking my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having fallen into an OCD possession, leaving marks on my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak/flawed/imperfect/out of control when I pick my skin so much that it leaves blemishes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mind being exposed to the world when I have marks which show the true nature of my mind.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to live and move myself within forgiveness, instead of constantly being harsh and judgmental towards myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself most of the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to punish myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I need to be punished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself and be harsh and judgmental with myself instead of changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing OCD.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self-movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living fully.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist reaching out to my buddy when I feel an ocd possession coming on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel undeserving of assistance and support for OCD because I feel like it’s my problem that I created, it is my burden and no one else should have to deal with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses for why I shouldn’t reach out for assistance and support when and as I can see that I am going into an OCD possession, instead of embracing any and all support I can get to walk myself through stopping this disorder.

I will continue in my next post: ‘The Buddy System, Does it Work? (part two)

 

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