I left off in my last blog by re-scripting my morning routine, effectively editing out any OCD behavior. I saw how it in fact not only completely sabotages my mornings, but also sabotages my relationship to myself. It does this by severely undermining my self-trust, as I have shown myself that with OCD, I can’t depend on myself because I can’t depend on whether or not my own actions will be congruent with my intentions.
Also, the fact that I accept and allow myself to fall into compulsions in the morning causes me stress and anxiety, due to the fear of being late for work, which fuels and perpetuates the disorder throughout the day. This ‘starting the day out on a bad foot’ creates a nearly impossible foundation for me to walk throughout my day with the vigilance and discipline I require to manage OCD, which I require to do throughout the day and into the evening.
With this re-scripting, I have seen my anxiety levels decrease in normal and uneventful situations. This is why I am continuing on here, where I have done my morning routine, and I am now heading out the door and catching the bus to the metro. In future blogs I will do them same for stressful events and circumstances that arise, but first I have to start with a platform of stability:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to steal little moments of time from myself, when I see that I’m not ‘late’ yet, and using these stolen moments to go into OCD knowing that I don’t yet have control over it and that I will almost inevitably take too much time, which accumulates into me ending up leaving my house only minutes before the bus arrives, causing me to have to run and worry that I won’t catch it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I have nothing to do with spare time in the morning, because it’s not enough time to do anything constructive, wherein I become stressed by the idea of spare time, because in the morning, that means time alone with me, and time alone with me is difficult when I’m not preoccupied and distracted because in those moments I feel the intense urges of OCD coming forward and beginning to react in my body.
When and as I see that I have little spare moments of time, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that I do have better uses for that time, and that it is in fact precious time. I direct myself to walk through my morning tasks until they are done, unaffected by the possibility that I may end up with extra time, and if that time does, I direct myself to find a better use for it, such as spending more time saying goodbye to my partner or walking more slowly to the bus to be able to enjoy the day, for example.
I commit myself to push myself to stop wasting precious time on OCD, and to instead invest into myself, using that time to add value to myself and my life, instead of taking value away.
I commit myself to continue to breathe through the suppressions coming to the fore, instead of pushing them back down and distracting myself, so that I may walk through my tasks uninterrupted by OCD, even if it feels bad/uncomfortable, I know it will subside/go away eventually.
I commit myself to say longer goodbye’s to my partner, and to walk slowly to the bus when I have extra time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel triumphant when I catch the bus when I’m late, as if I had won a race or beat the odds, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I had already lost the moment I left the house, because I had missed moments I could have spent with myself, preparing myself to effectively handle myself throughout the day.
When and as I am running for the bus when I am late, I stop within myself, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by reminding myself that it is not in fact me that is moving myself and feeling triumphant, but rather the stress energy that I had accumulated during the morning as I create a situation where I am late. If I in fact have to run, I run as self-movement, with and as breath, with no extra ‘motivating factors’ coming from my mind, feeding the OCD cycles.
I commit myself to continue to remind myself to remain stable within myself, no longer utilizing the self-created stress-inducing scenarios to feed and perpetuate OCD within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become uneasy around the passengers on the bus.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that all the passengers on the bus are looking at me and judging me in some way, causing me to become self-conscious which makes my skin crawl, causing me to feel dirty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that the passengers on the bus are looking at me the way I look at myself, when I look at myself through OCD/dermatillomania, close up and looking for imperfections, narrowing in on every flaw and going into judgment/repulsion due to my mind creating the ideas that my skin is dirty even when it is not.
When and as I see that I am sitting on the bus and I begin to feel my skin crawl, and I start feeling generally dirty due to the presence of others, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by using common sense to determine that I am completely the same as I was when I left my house, when I at the gym, and when I’m with my partner, and these are all moments/situations where I feel normal. I bring myself back to normalcy through breathing through the thoughts/sensations that I am unclean and remind myself that it is not real, but a self-created sensation in my mind, therefor I can change it and choose to feel differently.
I commit myself to stop myself from feeling dirty and unclean by constantly and continuously stopping, breathing, using common sense to remind myself that the feelings are not real, and releasing/letting go of the thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to observe the other passengers and to judge them, because this creates a fear of judgment in myself, as I wouldn’t want someone else to look at me and judge me the way I know I am looking at and judging others.
When and as I see that I am judging others on the bus, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by reminding myself that the only judgment is self-judgment, which means I see something of myself in those that I am judging, and so long as I judge, I will be judged, because I am judging me instead of changing me. I bring forth self-acceptance by letting the judgments go, and embracing the presence of those that I see around me, placing myself in their shoes, and seeing within self-honesty, that which I am judging in myself.
To be continued….