OCD is exhausting. Dermatillomania is damaging. Sometimes at night I fall into an OCD possession and after some time I am able to tell myself “just go to bed, Kim.” And I go to bed. I wake up the next day and it’s as if I am another person; someone who is not inflicted with uncontrollable compulsions. That’s not to say that the damage isn’t there. It’s there to varying degrees depending on how much self-control I was able to exert the night before. But I wake up mostly feeling lighter, not yet burdened with the day’s baggage. This morning, however, I woke up feeling as if nothing had changed from the night before. It was as if everything had just been placed on pause only to resume again exactly as is was once the sun came up again.
I felt horribly dreadful and completely flattened because I didn’t get my ‘reset’ of a good night’s sleep. I don’t know why this happened, all I know is that I didn’t get my ‘get out of jail free card’. So I decided to do some self-forgiveness on it to see how I could turn this self-defeating situation into a self-empowering lesson for me to learn from. I sat down and opened my computer and began to write:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on the feeling of starting over with each new day, wherein in the morning I will feel fresh and new as if the previous day’s event hadn’t occurred, within this, forgetting the seriousness or gravity of the disorder I’m facing, by intentionally ignoring or ‘forgetting’ what I go through each and every day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel doom and gloom when I don’t wake up feeling refreshed, as if a reset button hadn’t been pressed, because I placed the responsibility on my physical body to absorb the previous day’s activities, and to heal the damage I had done, and within this:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the responsibility upon my physical body to deal with the consequences of what I do due to the disorder I have, instead of taking the responsibility upon myself with the utmost seriousness and gravity, wherein I am able to do everything within my power to assist and support myself to manage this disorder.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do the bare minimum to manage this disorder, and to hide and cover up the fact that at most times, it is not under control, and to try to hide it from myself, suppress it and sweep it under the rug, thus creating a situation of denial within which I am only undermining myself by preventing myself from doing absolutely everything I can to assist and support myself to walk in this life with and through this disorder.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed, diminished and powerless when I do not wake up feeling refreshed and ‘new’, but instead feel as if the previous day’s struggle and load were here with me immediately upon waking up, and within this:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the struggle and the weight I have created and carry due to the manifestation of this disorder and all the outflows and consequences it causes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not know how to deal with and manage this disorder, and to within this ‘not-knowing’ fall into a default-mode program instead of actually standing up and facing it through exploration and investigation, and actively seeking and searching for a solution for and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into what is comfortable and feels ‘right’, instead of using a practical outlook wherein I would asses my behavior and look and the consequences and outflows, and then make a reality-based assessment of whether or not what I am doing is actually assisting and supporting me to live to my utmost potential. Within this:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act based on what feels ‘right’, even though it is blatantly obvious that it is destructive and damaging to myself in every way.
When and as I see I am ignoring the gravity and seriousness of my disorder by hiding from it and ignoring it, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-movement by bringing the disorder Here, in front of me, in order to remind myself that I have a task to do and a process to walk that involves moment to moment application, and within looking at the disorder Here, in the present moment, I decide how to best proceed in such a way that I am dealing with, and NOT ignoring, that which I have created and must now undue and replace with the creation of myself as Life, equal and one Here.
I commit myself to realize and understand that this disorder is not greater than me, by walking with it and through it step by step until it’s done.
I commit myself to face myself within that which I have created as OCD/dermatillomania.
I commit myself to stop hiding from OCD and sweeping it under the rug and doing the bare minimum in order to live and survive.
I commit myself to do everything within my power to manage and overcome OCD/dermatillomania.