The interesting thing that came out of my last blog was the fact that doing self-forgiveness on the ‘positive’ aspects of how I’ve come to define the word skin (and thus how I have created my relationship towards skin/my skin), has actually been a more profound support in terms of how I was able to bring my words in writing into living application more than I am used to.
I had opened up some deeper points in terms of what I am actually losing through picking, and things started to ‘become real’ in a way – more real because I saw how I was losing something I didn’t know I had until I became aware I was losing it. I think it’s because as I was moving through all the negative associations (in my previous blogs), I still felt this distance and separation with my skin wherein I see it as foreign, dry and infected for example. But when I started looking at how I view it also as youthful, pretty and desire, I all of a sudden feel closer to it. I mean, I do deeply want to love and accept my skin. In a way, this desire directly or indirectly feeds the disorder, because as I pick at the skin with such focus and precision, I am doing so within the false belief that I am doing something ‘good’ and ‘beneficial’ for my skin.
It’s true that at times I am destructive and harsh within dermatillomania, but generally it is more of a precise and careful play-out. It’s because I do care about my skin, which is sometimes hard for me to believe. But what I realized existed is this deep care that is something I unknowingly touched on in my last blog, and in touching on it and stirring it thus becoming more aware of it, it turned out to be a force that I have and that I am, within and as which I am able to move myself, such as stopping my sessions in a way I had never been able to do before, within these little ‘breaks’ in the trance where I am able to feel this breeze of awareness, like swift opportunities breezing by as little opening into which I can come through as the self-directive principle of myself and really tell myself to stop.
I will continue with the positive definitions in my next blog, but please visit the archive and read my last blog for context, and compare it with the two before to see the difference between the tone of the ‘negative’ ways I had defined the word skin, and then the positive way.