Within this blog I am continuing working through a specific point of guilt within dermatillomania, wherein not only am I placing myself as less important and less valued than the disorder, but I am also placing those in my world as second to my disorder, and then reacting to this inside myself within and as GUILT.
I carry this guilt in a deep place within myself, and can feel it from time to time, when I make eye contact with those I care about, or I feel it in moments where I know I could have been feeling better/looking better and thus doing, living and being more, but have compromised myself, my life and living because of the disorder.
Time to Forgive myself, let it go, and change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself into and as a disorder that takes my time/focus/investment of myself into and as energy which leads to events and play-outs in my life such as being late and thus making others wait, being frustrated and angry with myself and projecting it on to others, being/becoming quiet and subdued and not opening up/explaining why (because I do not want to reveal the disorder), but instead creating a difficult environment of ‘uncertainty’ and friction for those around me, and instead of facing myself and opening up/letting others in, I would retract within myself and want to disappear and not have to face myself and face others as me and thus not take any responsibility for that which I am creating, but instead try to escape it and then react to it within more anger towards myself, more frustration with myself and my environment, more isolation within myself, and more guilt and regret suppressed within me.
I commit myself to walk myself into and as self-acceptance when I am around others, because I see, realize and understand that the way I feel around others is merely a reflection of the way I feel about myself, only that it’s suppressed when I’m alone, and it is shown to me when I am around others, because when I’m around others, I have people around that I project myself onto, and to have backchats and internal conversations about, which is all going on within my own mind only, and has nothing to do with anyone but myself.
I commit myself to take responsibility for my reactions emotions ideas and beliefs, wherein, instead of accepting and allowing them to influence me, I let them go, and I breathe myself back Here, especially around others, which I am grateful for because it shows me where I am still not accepting myself, and where and how I can gift myself back to myself in self-acceptance.
I commit myself to let others into me or to let myself out to them, without fear or defensiveness or self-consciousness or worry, just to freely express myself as who and what I am at this point, flaws and all. Fearlessly.
When and as I am around others and I begin to feel the anger and frustration arise within myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-acceptance by reminding myself that, although I still fuck up, and I still have a disorder, and I still repeat abusive and destructive patterns and habits, that reacting to this is only adding fuel to the fire, and that the most supportive thing I can do for myself in that moment, is to just breathe, and let go. Just Stop, and Change. In that moment I have the power to do so, and because I have decided to support myself to live life for real, it only makes sense to do that which supports me in moments like these, instead of going down the same old path of anger, frustration, hate, loathing and fear, perpetuating all of these things instead of living a life of uninhibited self-expression.
When and as I see that I am retracting within myself when I am around others, because of and due to the way I feel others see me because of the damage I have inflicted upon myself and my own skin, I stop, and I breathe. I slam the doors shut to my mind and I force myself to remain present, in physical reality, exposed for all to see. And I stand and prove to myself that I am no less than my own image of myself, that I can stand and walk within stability no matter how I look, and that after I expose myself, I remain, and I’m still here to continue walking as I build my strength, my self-will and my resolve.