Within this blog I am having a closer look at an aspect of the guilt associated with OCD, OCD behaviours and outflows, and this includes and is mainly a result of CSP. Within my last blog, I identified this guilt. Now I am going to work through it, starting with where it stems from.
Looking at one dimension here, it stems from the fact that I constantly and consistently choose OCD over real Life and Actual Living, where Life is defined as living within and as self-direction in every moment, living in presence and awareness, constantly improving, perfecting, honing, mastering, supporting oneself within and as every breath, supporting others as self, equal and one. Not living within and as guilt, regret, suppression and fear, addiction, disorder and obsessive compulsion.
Within this, I have guilt for neglecting my environment, and I have guilt for neglecting myself, my own life and living.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pay the most attention to, and thus, place the most value upon OCD and OCD behaviours and outflows, instead of valuing myself as that of me which is or can be real/life/living/principled living.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pay the most attention to OCD/OCD behavior/OCD outflows, thus investing myself into and as the disorder, and thus feeding and growing the disorder, developing myself within and as a disorder instead of investing myself into that which supports me, that which is best for me, and that which will allow me to contribute to all as me.
I commit myself to teach myself/train myself/walk myself through self-change from valuing myself as OCD within and as self interest and escape, to taking self-responsibility to create actual living value, within the realizations that LIFE is the only real value, and anything else leads to self-enslavement to the disorder.
When and as I see myself investing myself into and as OCD/OCD behavior/outflows/consequences, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself of what exactly I’m giving up: everything for nothing. I immediately stop this investment and instead direct myself to change my self-investment to something practical, done in awareness, no matter how hard it seems or how bad it feels, I FORCE myself to walk through it and change to become the living realization that the only worthwhile investment is Life, and OCD is Not Life, and it is Not Living.
I commit myself to invest myself fully into Life, and only Life, not the robotic pre-programmed time-wasting autopilot, habit cycling, pattern play-out that I had been living thus far.
When and as I see that I am investing myself as my time/energy/thoughts/feeling/emotions/reactions/ideas/beliefs into and as OCD, OCD behavior, and OCD outflows or consequences, I stop, and I breathe. I immediately remind myself to stop, and to decide in that moment to change my self-investment into something that honours me and is something worthwhile, I breathe through the reactions to stopping which I know I can expect in waves, which slowly diminish over time, and I move from this point into and as a new direction for myself, which is not the comfortable old road, but the new, unexplored road which will feel scary, unfamiliar, empty, lost and hollow.