Within this blog, I am continuing to de-program my OCD behavior, and replace it with self-directed living. In italics are the self-forgiveness statements from a previous blog, wherein I am looking at the warped/deluded reality I have created in my mind, and revealing it to myself, as it has been the foundation upon which I have based my actions.
This foundation, and the actions it produces, predictably lead to obsessive-compulsive behavior, which I experience in every area of my life, and which expresses itself most predominantly and most irrationally in the condition called dermatillomania, or compulsive skin-picking.
The self-forgiveness in this blog is related to the OCD tendency of repetitive behaviour wherein the sufferer would become ‘locked-in’ to a task, not being able to stop/tear themselves away, as described by the MAYO clinic website here:
Within this blog, I am dealing with one dimension of obsessive compulsive behaviour (OCD): obsessing over completing tasks (cleaning, working, arranging, grocery shopping). Simplistically: anything that ‘should’ be a simple task, which ends up in exhaustion, wherein, I would begin to avoid doing it for fear that I will never finish, predictably creating chaos and disorderliness which leads to further anxiety and perpetuates the ‘vicious cycle’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I will only experience the feeling of ‘completion’/’doneness’ if I do a task ‘perfectly’, or a very certain specific way that I will only realize if/when I do it that way, wherein, if I don’t experience the feeling of ‘doneness’/’completion’, that it means that I have not done the task properly, perfectly, or the right way, and therefore must keep trying, over and over until I get it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the task is complete and done, when it is complete an done, and the proper completion of a task has nothing to do with my internal experience as a ‘feeling’ or ‘experiencing’ of ‘completion’ or ‘doneness’.
I commit myself to participate in the tasks that I do in awareness, wherein, I catch myself from going into ‘the zone’ of ‘zoning out’ and immersing myself in the obsessive drive for the experience of ‘completion’, ‘accomplishment’, and ‘doneness’, and lose all touch with actual reality and base my actions solely on my internal energetic experience which, as I have seen and as has been proven, is not to my benefit and is actually quite debilitating.
When and as I see that I am zoning out and losing touch while participating is tasks, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to physical reality by realizing and understanding that if I continue to accept and allow myself to participate within my mind, which keeps compounding thoughts that I will have to do ‘more and more’ before I will be able to experience the feeling of ‘accomplishment’, ‘completeness’ and ‘doneness’, but within this, the predictable outcome is that I will never in fact actually be done in reality, if I continue to pile on more and more steps. Therefore, I look at the task and practically script out the fewest and simplest steps towards practical completion of the task, or, if I am ‘too far gone’ to be able to use common sense in this way, I simply stop, and take myself away from the task, I focus on my breath, and do something else, such as make a smoothie, watch some tv, write, or take a walk, until I am ready to complete the task.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed at the thought of beginning tasks because I think/believe/perceive that they will be daunting and exhausting, because I have a history of having in fact turned simple tasks into daunting and exhausting tasks within and through endlessly chasing the ‘feeling’ or ‘experience’ of ‘doneness’ or ‘completion’ which isn’t even based in reality.
I commit myself to move myself to begin tasks with a ‘blank slate’, wherein, I check myself moment to moment, in order to base my starting point of each moment I reality, and not in past memories of OCD moments where I accepted/allowed myself to cycle into exhaustion/overwhelmingness.
When and as I see that I am judging a task as overwhelming and daunting, creating powerlessness and resistances I stop, and I breathe. I push myself to move myself despite the experience of a wall of resistance, and I take the very first step, and then the next one, doing only as much as I can do in each breath, realizing that I can only do one thing at a time. I bring myself back to the do-ableness of the moment by stopping myself from imagining an endless amount of steps, and simply focusing on the one step I am doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on tasks before I even start them because I think/believe/perceive that it is unavoidable that I will turn them in to huge, daunting exhausting tasks, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is within my power and ability to practically assess the task before I begin, and to decide upon a clear end-point where I will stop working on the task, and then ensure that I do in fact stop, regardless of the presence or lack of an internal feeling or experience of completion.
I commit myself to practically assess tasks before I begin them, wherein I decide upon a clear end-point where I Will stop working on the task, and I commit myself to in fact stop at that decided upon end-point, regardless of the presence or lack of an internal experience of completion.
When and as I see that I am about to begin a task, I stop, and I breathe. I give myself a moment to practically assess the task, and to decide upon a clear end point where I will stop working on the task. I push myself to reach that point, and to stop at that point, regardless of the presence or lack of the experience of ‘accomplishment,’ ‘doneness’, or ‘completion.’
To be continued…