Within this blog I will be answering the questions I asked in my last blog: Diffusing the Inner Time Bomb. I had received much support from a recent video, after which I realized/was shown/began to understand that the compulsive skin-picking (CSP) is a focused, intensive, all-consuming activity/distraction/form of entertainment in which I lose myself so completely, that I am able to drown out and escape my un-directed internal experience, ie: the bad feelings inside that I want to escape from.
So, the obvious thing to do now would be to understand and direct the internal experience. This is really the basic principle of this entire process, but at the same time, it’s completely new, because I hadn’t looked at it in this way or from this angle before.
I have generally looked at this from internal experiences such as anxiety/anger/fear pushing into csp, but now I’m looking at it form a slightly different angle: that of csp taking me away from the ‘storm’ of internal energies, into a ‘safe harbour’ of silence and stillness.
But it is actually quite deceptive, because that silence and stillness is not innocent- it feeds the ‘storm’, it enables the storm, like a crocodile smile, it leads me in and then eats me alive. Recalling of course, ‘it’ is me, and not something separate from myself. It is not an outside force that I can blame or become angry at, because if I do, that blame and anger create the winds and waves of the internal storm. It just makes the entire situation worse.
So there is then this helplessness because I am so used to something outside of myself being the ‘problem’ or the ‘solution.’ But in this instance, nothing and no one is able to do anything for me, because it is my creation. It must be done by myself. I will take all the support I can get, but no one can do it for me.
Simplistically, this is a matter of slowing down and observing my internal environment in order to determine what feelings, emotions, thoughts, ideas, beliefs, etc, do I create within myself, that I would then seek to escape through picking? I would like to be able to label and understand these internal experiences, in order that I may direct these energies towards actual living. Rather than letting them take me over and then ‘exploding’ into an all-out full-on possession where I have lost control, and then do things like pick my skin for relief/release, or work mself up into and OCD cycle.
If I can understand and direct these energies, I can then look at how I created them, and walk the time-line back to their origin, in order that I may stop repeating this cycle, and script out a new way of living, where the behaviour is actually self-supportive.
This brings me back to my original question from my last blog entry: “what am I generating within myself, and how exactly am I doing it?”
I understand that this answer will be multitudinous and multifaceted, so I’m just going to start somewhere.
Today, the primary internal experience that was driving me to want to escape myself and my experience was ‘impatience.’
I would feel it in waves passing over me, it felt unbearable, as if I were stuck in one place with no ability to move myself. It also made me feel constantly rushed/rushing, with a stress or anxiousness always present.
Within this, I see that ‘I’ was not present, and all the tasks I participated in within this state, were not accomplished as well as they could have been. I was merely ‘going through the motions’, trying to get through them/get them done as quickly as possible.
Using the tool of self-forgiveness, I will look a little more closely at the experience of impatience in order to determine how/why I create it:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become ‘impatient’ within myself, as myself, throughout my day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘impatience’ to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest ‘impatience’ connected to events and tasks that I have to get through and accomplish throughout the day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ‘impatient’ with myself when I think/believe/perceive that I am unable to move myself as quickly/easily/effortlessly as I am able to move myself in my mind.
I commit myself to be/become aware of every single part of the tasks at hand wherein every part/movement/step/progress is deliberate and known, so that every part/step/breath/progress/movement can be tested and improved, wherein I test all possibilities and keep only that which works well, and in this seemingly painfully slow process, I see/realize/understand: over time I would become more quick/efficient/effective.
When and as I see that I’m growing unbearably impatient within a task, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that if I stop feeling impatient, it’s not going to ruin everything, meaning, if I stop myself from being impatient by taking a breath and just slowing down: I will still get it done, and so I stop, I breathe, I let the wave pass, and I realize: I am still Here, and I continue the task within constantly bringing myself back to awareness, continuously bringing my focus back on to myself as who I am within doing the task.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plan out my day in my mind in such a way that it would be humanly impossible to accomplish everything, wherein I become overwhelmed and end up doing less than I am able, and then become ‘impatient’ with myself’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ‘impatient’ with myself, instead of patiently directing myself to gently push myself throughout the day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set up unrealistic expectations for myself which are daunting and cruel, instead of honouring myself with the patience that I will require to slowly learn how to change and live in a way that is self-supportive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to get through tasks as fast as possible in order to ‘get everything done’ and ‘be done with it’ in an attempt to gain that elusive experience of ‘accomplishment’/’doneness’ at the end of the day, but because I have unrealistic standards, while at the same time: I pile on more and more tasks/chores/responsibilities, and so I become impatient while doing them, because I begin to see that I will never have time for it all.
I commit myself to replace the pursuit of the experience of accomplishment with the practice of patience before and during my participation in tasks.
I commit myself to define tasks before I begin them, giving myself a start and an end point that are clearly defined and do-able.
When and as I see that I am seeking to attain the experience of accomplishment by piling on more and more tasks/jobs/chores/responsibilities, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-patience by realizing and understanding that following my mind in the pursuit of experience in this way is only punishing myself, and then punishing myself further by then becoming impatient with myself, when that self that I am really punishing through my participation in this energy, is the part of me that has only ever supported me to be Here. Therefore, I direct myself to unconditional self-patience, within the commitment to self-honesty and change, wherein I balance self-patience with self-diligence
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by piling on more and more tasks/chores/jobs/responsibilities within the thought, idea, perception or belief that the more I do, the more accomplished I will feel, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that actual real accomplishment, comes from doing tasks/jobs/chores/responsibilities well, in presence and awareness wherein I am constantly open to learn how to do it better and more consistently through actual practice and application, proving it to myself over time, instead of thinking it up in one moment, and then becoming ‘impatient’ with myself for not already ‘being that’ or ‘being there’.
I commit myself to be/become, give/gift myself patience, through slowing down, being and becoming more realistic with the tasks I have in mind (and not getting all OCD about them with piling on more and more stuff to do).
When and as I see that I am becoming impatient with myself because of and due to the fact that I have created an un-do-able amount of things to do, and because I’m not flying through them like some superwoman that I am able to be in my mind, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness and back to breathe by reminding myself that there is time each day for me to practice and apply myself towards tasks, and I patiently push myself to look at the task that I am doing, and making sure, with absolute certainty and self-honesty, that I am doing it in a practical and efficient way.
When and as I see that I am growing impatient with myself while performing/doing/working at a task, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back Here within the realization that I am separating myself from myself by projecting myself into an imagined future, and then comparing my current position with the imagined position, and becoming impatient, when in reality, I am simply Here, able to one thing at a time, one breath at a time.