Within this blog I am writing out the corrective statements and self-commitments that will assist and support me to understand and change my behavior. Each set of commitments and corrections is related to a self-forgiveness statement from this blog.
In yesterday’s blog I was peeling back the layers of legitimate craziness that leads me to perpetually repeat behaviours when I am working on tasks. I realized that I feel like I can never ever ever ever stop because I never ‘feel’ like the task is complete, meaning I have based the completion of a task upon the ‘experience’ of completion, and not actual completion.
So, it makes sense to me now, if I were to do something once, and not get that feeling, then I’d do it again, then again, and if I finally get the feeling on the seventh time, well, then I will do the behaviour exactly seven times the next time, because that is now the magic number; that s the number of times it takes till it ‘feels’ completed.
Herein, I am basically working though this delusion, and showing myself that I should only base actions on physical reality, otherwise I will remain a slave to the pursuit of this ‘feeling’ of completion or doneness, which I don’t even create in awareness- so sometimes I don’t achieve this feeling state, no matter how hard I work on something, so that when I stop working due to exhaustion or frustration, I end up feeling like I have ‘given up’ or ‘failed’; as if I had left something ‘unfinished,’ wherein it would feel like this loose end that creates anxiety and fear within me, because now it is unpredictable- because I haven’t dealt with it properly: it is UNFINISHED. So, herewith the correction:
I commit myself to give myself a moment to define the tasks that I decide to take on during my day and in my life, wherein I do a quick run through of what exactly will be involved, how I should reasonably prepare, and at which point I will stop.
When and as I see that I am cycling within a task, repeating behaviours and waiting for the ‘queue’ of the ‘feeling’ ‘experience’ of doneness, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back down to practical reality by taking a step back, both within myself and by literally stepping away from the task, and I take a self-honest look at where I am actually at within the task. I remind myself that I am not at this point a reliable indicator of the completion of tasks, so I must instead use physical queues as to the completeness or actual doneness of the task.
I commit myself to take back my directive decision-making ability through, pushing myself to, within each task, decide where the endpoint is, and trust myself that the decision is sound, and then breathe through the anxiety/fear that the task not complete because I don’t feel that is is complete, and in this, I commit myself to look to physical reality as my reference to the completion of tasks, within the realization that physical reality will always show what the next step is, and what is really done/not done.
When and as I see that a task is taking longer than it practically should because I am unable to make the decision to stop due to fear/anxiety connected to the idea of stopping, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the directive principle of myself by simply tearing myself away, just like a bandaid, quick and painful, and I breathe through the reactions as I keep moving, on to the next thing that requires my attention or that I have decided to do, or simply moving myself to do something practical and physical such as doing the dishes, while I go through the ‘withdrawal’ of not feeding my mind with the cyclical and repetitive behavior that creates the energetic experience of absolute ‘locked in’ possession-state I go into.
I commit myself to complete tasks in awareness, and in pushing myself to constantly return to the simplicity of breathing, wherein I can distinguish between the experience of doneness/completion, and actual doneness/completion.
I commit myself to realize that if I stop a task before I attain the experience of doneness or completion, that I am not a quitter or a failure, because the experience of completion or doneness was only ever in my mind and not in my control and not based in reality and thus not real.
When and as I see that I am becoming exhausted or feel like I’m quitting a task before it’s done, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-acceptance within the realization that the feeling is just a feeling I have programmed within and as me based on past memories and experiences, and that it is no basis from which to create myself relationship, and that me making the directive decision to stop a task based on physical queues, that I am actually practicing the greatest self-care in that moment because I am not pushing myself to exhaustion and I am not judging myself as a failure or a quitter.
I commit myself to see and realize that not completing a task is not a ‘deal breaker’ in terms of the order present in my life, and that if I do not complete a task, that I can simply pick it up again later.
I commit myself to pick up tasks that I hadn’t completed, and to see them through in order to work on and develop a self-trust that I can depend on.
When and as I see that I am going into fear and self-judgment of what others will think of me/how others will see me if the y knew the disorder and chaos I exist within and as due to never being able to complete tasks due to never attaining the experience of completion, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to reality by reminding myself that it is not others, but my own self-judgment that I am fearing, and that the chaos and dis-order I’m imagining is not necessarily even there. And if it is, then there is nothing stopping me from taking practical steps to correct the situation, and bring back in order.
There were three more self-forgiveness statements which I will use to derive self-commitments and self-corrections from in my next blog…