In walking my process of OCD in writing I have discovered an interesting thing: I have OCD. Meaning, I knew that I compulsively picked my skin, and that this was not normal, and it is obsessive, compulsive, and a disorder. But what I hadn’t yet realized is the extent to which I display and participate within obsessive compulsive behaviours in many other areas of my life.
As I have been writing through this disorder, it has been becoming much more intense in my daily living. Although this is difficult, uncomfortable and at times miserable, it is also quite useful as it makes the points more obvious and easier to access and describe or ‘walk through’ in writing.
What I experience recently was OCD sabotaging the simple task of grocery shopping. I don’t generally have an issue with grocery shopping; in fact it is something I rather enjoy, when I am prepared for it. However, when I am engaged within the OCD cycle/energy/character, it is a different story.
I begin by dreading going/leaving the house/moving towards beginning the task. Immediately the excuses begin: I don’t have time, I don’t have money, it’s too much right now, I can’t handle it in this state, I don’t want to see people, I don’t want to face the world outside my house…and so on. And then when I finally get my ass out the door I usually don’t have enough time because it took me so long to get there. When I’m there I am then easily worked up into a complete state of panic because I think I’m forgetting something, if I get something other than the basics I feel like I’m spending too much money and I’m going to overdraft my bank, I feel like I’m not going to get enough and get home and realize there’s nothing to eat in the house, then I won’t have enough money for gas because I will have used so much going back and forth from the grocery store. It’s funny because all these things have in fact happened at one point or another, but I obviously survived. So really it’s just my mind using past experiences to project in to the future in an intensified way wherein I fear it happening again
Now, to give credit where credit is due, and to avoid focusing only on ‘the problem’, I have to also look at the fact that I have made progress with this, as I have worked on this point throughout my process of self-forgiveness in a roundabout way within directing myself to see tasks through. However, at times it has been unnecessarily difficult as I have not addressed the point directly, thus allowing the pattern to continue. Herein, I address the point directly:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only consider a task is ‘done’ when and as I experience a feeling of ‘doneness’, instead of basing the completion of the task on actual practical completion. Within this,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘feel’ like a task is never done, causing me to lock myself into a task, searching for that feeling of ‘doneness’/’completion’ without realizing that the feeling is something I create in unawareness, and thus have no directive decision-making ability within.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give away my directive decision-making ability regarding completing tasks because I have based the point of completion on an energetic experience in the mind, and not on an actual practical assessment grounded in reality, based on the actual reasonable completion of the task in physical reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess over tasks, searching for the ‘feeling’ of ‘completion’/’doneness’, within the belief that I have to continue to work on the task until I achieve the ‘feeling’ of ‘doneness’/’completion’, wherein I either reach a stage of exhaustion, or give up without having attained ‘completion’/’doneness’ as an experience, because such a state was not necessarily even possible, attainable or in my control to attain.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when and as I ‘give up’ on tasks without attaining the feeling/experience of ‘completion’/’doneness’, to then create and manifest an experience of anger, anxiety and fear due to the thoughts, judgments, backchat and internal conversation I accept and allow within myself, about having ‘given up’ or ‘not finished’ that which I had started/set out to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts, judgments, backchat and internal conversations that tell me I have failed/let myself down/disappointed myself by having not properly completed/finished a task, and that because I have not properly finished/completed the task I will create chaos and disorder in my life that I will not be able to control, and/or others will see or find out that I am one who does not tend to things properly, or properly completes tasks, thus creating anger, fear and anxiety within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I will only experience the feeling of ‘completion’/’doneness’ if I do a task ‘perfectly’, or a very certain specific way that I will only realize if/when I do it that way, wherein, if I don’t experience the feeling of ‘doneness’/’completion’, that it means that I have not done the task properly, perfectly, or the right way, and therefore must keep trying, over and over until I get it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the task is complete and done, when it is complete an done, and the proper completion of a task has nothing to do with my internal experience as a ‘feeling’ or ‘experiencing’ of ‘completion’ or ‘doneness’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed at the thought of beginning tasks because I think/believe/perceive that they will be daunting and exhausting, because I have a history of having in fact turned simple tasks into daunting and exhausting tasks within and through endlessly chasing the ‘feeling’ or ‘experience’ of ‘doneness’ or ‘completion’ which isn’t even based in reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on tasks before I even start them because I think/believe/perceive that it is unavoidable that I will turn them in to huge, daunting exhausting tasks, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is within my power and ability to practically assess the task before I begin, and to decide upon a clear end-point where I will stop working on the task, and then ensure that I do in fact stop, regardless of the presence or lack of an internal feeling or experience of completion.
Self-corrective statements to follow…