In my last blog, I shared about the fact that I realized I actually create chaos, lack of control, and participate in self-sabotage in order to create and manifest things like anxiety, fear and anger in my life, which I then ease and escape by picking my skin. For a more in depth look at this pattern of sub-conscious self-manipulation/self-sabotage, I wrote about it in this blog series:
This is the blog where I realized exactly ‘how’ I subconsciously manipulate and sabotage myself with feelings and emotions, preferences and resistances, which I succumb to.
In this blog I realized that so much of what I was experiencing related to ‘why I pick’, was actually created in my mind, solutions abound, yet no action is taken.
Day 135- Stop, and Change
In this blog I face the fact that I am addicted to the ‘experience’ of control that I get when I participate within and as OCD, when what I really want is actual control within my life. Buuuut…
I find out that I don’t really WANT to change for real. It’s like, someone that does drugs like heroine, ‘wants’ to stop, but doesn’t really want to stop, because they love the drug so much, they’ll use any excuse to take it. On top of this, once you stop, you have to face everything you’ve done unto yourself.
So, the desire to stop Is present because, we know that it’s ‘wrong’ and ‘not normal’ and harming ourselves, but at the same time, it feels so good. Herein, it feels good, but it is not good for us in reality. So what is that feeling but an energetic experience in the mind? It’s a chemical release that we can release in to our bloodstream through participating within a certain behavior. Much like a drug, we self-medicate through picking, thus releasing the chemicals that make us ‘feel’ better, without ever actually doing something practical to support ourselves to actually stop.
Within this current blog, I will be using the tools of self-forgiveness to look at what exactly are some of the things I think I gain from picking my skin, simply because I feel like I am gaining them, but really, the feeling is just an experience, rather than an actual reality.
The first thing I will be looking at is comfort and security. These are two things I feel when I participate in OCD, wherein since childhood, I have developed an idea about ‘the world’ being a big scary place where I don’t really belong. It’s a place where I get hurt and am fearful, and the OCD creates the experience of this small-ness, and safety.
It’s interesting because I see this now as a very childish mentality, which makes sense if you think about how we create our worldview from childhood, and then instead of evolving and maturing, we cope, stagnate, avoid, suppress and cover up. For myself, as a child, I was very shy and ‘sensitive,’ and would become easily hurt by others. As a way to cope, I would feel ‘safe’ when I was alone, isolated and distracted. Hence, creating a little ‘safe world’ by isolating myself within OCD, separating myself from the world and then feeling alien within it:
Comfort and Security as Isolation and Separation:
Please read these statements out loud, all the way through and to yourself, and notice what happens inside of you as you hear yourself speak the words.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define comfort within and as isolation and separation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define security within and as isolation and separation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that comfort and security are things I need to seek away from others and isolated from the world, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that through taking the self-responsibility to learn how to comfort and support myself, with ACTUAL support through learning how to not hurt myself and instead nurture myself, I can in fact face the world, because only I can create my internal experience, thus I am the one with the actual power and control, and not others, their words, and their perceived judgment toward me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and perceive that isolation and separation are the only way to feel comfortable and secure, instead of realizing and understanding that within developing self-trust and stability, I am able to give myself exactly what I need.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being alone is comfortable and secure, instead of realizing and understanding that avoiding facing others is actually avoiding facing myself, my own self-judgment, my own self-abuse and avoiding facing the fact that what I am doing is self-abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being alone is comfortable and secure because within isolation and separation no one can ‘touch me’, as in- to cause me emotional pain, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the presence of others merely reflects the pain I am causing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others can hurt or cause me emotional pain, when in fact it is only by my acceptance and allowance that I can be pained emotionally by accepting their words and judgments as true and valid, when in fact we only ever judge others as we judge ourselves.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to protect myself by isolating and separating myself, instead of taking responsibility for myself by gifting me back to myself by not allowing myself to be directed and suppressed within the ‘safe world’ I create, and instead learning to express myself outwardly by standing up from within and as the internal experiences I create for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to others, thus accepting and allowing abuse unto myself and others, by perceiving and believing judgments as valid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself and cut myself off from existence by isolating and separating myself into my own little ‘safe world’, instead of directing myself and expressing myself as one with and equal to this reality, and all and everybody that is here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to protect myself and keep myself safe instead of realizing nothing can touch me as who I am as Life, of and as equal value to all life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate and isolate myself as a way to hide from the overwhelming thoughts and emotions that come up and manifest within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need a ‘safe world’ instead of facing the overwhelming thoughts and emotions that come up and manifest within me, within the realization that these thoughts are not greater than me, because I created them, thus I can stand up to them, equal and one, stop and change them.
I will continue in blogs to come….