I intend to continue walking my process out of dermatillomania, and this intention can only be real and be lived through the actual physical act of writing, applying, and changing.
My goal within this process is to put out the fire at it’s source. The source is the thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, perceptions, beliefs etc… that occur throughout the day and contribute and build the inner turmoil that then seeks for a release through dermatillomania.
A simple thought as an idea, such as the belief that , for example, ‘submitting to the urge to pick will somehow make me feel better’, can become so strong that it can lead me to defy my own logic and rational thought process. Within dermatillomania, it can be observed that a single thought can actually take one over to the point where compulsions are acted out despite the fact that they are harmful and detrimental to every aspect of our lives. This is the power of the mind over the physical, and this is the power that I endeavor to take back because it is an awesome power, and I would rather intend to do something good with it, to do something meaningful, something practical. To contribute to the world as to myself as to those around me.
One of the biggest realizations I’ve had recently within this disorder is that I held a lot of blame towards others. I would experience people staring at me and judging me in their minds, and I would want to be alone, and I would dread having to go out in public. What I realized is that no one is doing this to me, no one else is responsible for my internal experience but me, and it’s all up in my head. I’m not saying that the outside world doesn’t notice or react when the damage I’ve done is revealed; what I am saying is that what I’m dreading is my own creation: judgments and reactions to the external environment and my own reactions to the thoughts I’m having about that external environment. Just think of a child with a skin condition, a disorder or a deformity. The child lives and expresses freely until it learns the shame, judgment and remorse that is so common within us as we age. We program this into ourselves through thinking, over and over again, without monitoring or reigning in these thought processes.
This is cool to realize because once we realize that we actually have control over what goes on in our own mind through stopping thoughts (which I will call directive principle), we realize that we can stop a large part of what feeds this disorder within us, simply by stopping and changing the way we think and react, although we sometimes tend to over-complicate the simple things, so let’s take this one breath at a time.